The Gender Tourist

The strange thing is that for countless years I hid, and avoided showing any sign of my true self, for fear of judgement by people I didn't even know. I assumed that I would of course be pegged as a deviant and perhaps even worse. Then once I began to let Allie out for real in tourist mode where I don't really concern myself about what the consequences might be; and then began to pay attention to what was reflected back to me by the people I would meet - I realized something incredible and unexpected taking place. For context consider this; I believe that in all of us - our "instincts" are often reading signals that others are unknowingly broadcasting. (Have you ever been staring at someone and had them turn around and stare you right in the eye?) So given that concept, I know that as a closeted trans woman presenting male I used to broadcast fear, and deception, and uncertainty, and I know that on some level everyone I interacted with could feel it; actually...

And I mean that literally; to be acquainted, to be identified the same with peers of such pure intention within the trans community - I feel like I should do more. Should be more - than I am now. In the past three days I have read incredibly moving prose from two friends - one anguished and haunted and struggling, And then more recently one filled with positivity and light and hope in the face of and responding to judgement. I'm not worthy. Both writings move me - to be better, to do more than I am now. I feel so very selfish suddenly; having all my fun being the "tourist" when these women are living it every day at whatever the cost. And struggling while they forge on against adversity. And a third friend literally giving all of herself, her time, her resources to help yet another young woman going all-in; in this struggle for identity. I gave to their cause but merely a pittance (due to a legitimate circumstance); but I still feel selfish not giving more. I...

I am grateful to live in this era where trans actors are finally being given significant and authentic roles. In my youth the only way one would ever see a trans character (let alone actor) was in a role showing them as the victim of a hate crime (usually murder) or as a sex worker; or alternatively as "comic relief" in some demeaning-to-the-demographic role that allowed transphobic viewers to have a studio-sanctioned guilt free laugh at our expense. In my opinion those stereotypes only served to keep a large part of our growing segment of society in the closet just a little bit longer than we might have otherwise been - but that is changing. Thanks to progressive production companies and screenwriters, in the past decade there have been several examples of more authentic characters, and although there are small problems with the portrayal of most; it is a definite step in the right direction. I was moved to write this after watching the final episode of season 1 from...

I like street fairs, farmers markets and so on. Put that together with a couple thousand of my fellow LGBTQ friends and allies and you have the makings of an awesome day. It was great being out in a community just next door to home, and not really caring if I was recognized. I'm getting over it really fast, the fear of repercussions at work. Anyhow I was so excited to go, and have some family come support me and us, and we even ran into some of their friends too. A nice afternoon to be sure. I even painted my own pride flag nails for the day! I may still be an amateur at nail polish but I had fun representing!

The more time I spend presenting as my true self, the more bold I become in owning my identity everywhere. A year ago I wouldn't have dreamed of going to a local LGBTQ event as Allie, out of fear of being outed by a coworker or business contact that only knows me by my given name. The acceptance I have encountered by total strangers during my tourist journeys encourages me to also be authentic in my expression at or near home, even if it could result in being outed where I am not fully ready. My pride in who I am and the positivity and personal growth that results from owning it, gives me strength to face the unknown. and I am PROUD of Allie, and all that she stands for. So, I will be going tomorrow to this event and I plan to fully enjoy myself without trepidation.

And the worst part of being the Gender Tourist is coming home and putting my true self back in the bottle. I literally felt like crying as I tossed the ball in the park for the dog one more time before the drive home. I will miss you, Beautiful city by the sea...

Sometimes I think the assumption is that if one holds any strongly progressive beliefs, that somehow you cant also love our country. I guess its sort of a "guilt by association" response?? Anyhow my deep love of country is exactly because of the fact that I can have different ideals and beliefs than my other countrymen, and yet we all still respect each others rights to do so, and vice versa. Happy Independence day, everyone! and remember that what makes us different is the essence of what makes us great!