The Gender Tourist

Here I am.again, letting down my partner and failing to.  play the role I was supposed to play. She went to the trouble of getting tickets for us to see rocky horror for our date night, then invited my metamour to join us on our date and spent the first 75minutes of the show with her back to me while they sang the lyrics together.  Enjoying the show didn't click for me. I didn't realize the point was to share her passion, her metaphorical trans pride with as many people as possible. I should have realized it wasn't "our date" since I have no right to possess her time and attention in any way for any reason.  Those are her boundaries. This has hurt her feelings deeply and I am an abject failure yet again because I misunderstood my value in the situation.  I wish I could have just gotten the point and been thrilled and knew all the lines and had a fucking wonderful time. It just didn't give me those feels.  I don't know how to change that. I don't know h...

All the pain is undone As the fear it dies And the wars I've fought were worth the scars For the shimmer of the gold across your eyes And the darkness fades Through the light I see your face And you raise me up the fall and form The flicker in the storm inside of me Everything you are And all that you will be All the stars and spaces inbetween The colour of your soul is all I see 'Til the end of time 'Til we leave it all behind Every moment and beyond the light I'll be the one who's right there by your side It was always you It was always you It was always you Songwriters: Annaca Catherina Espach

It has been 135 days since my surgeon gave me one of the greatest gifts that Ive ever dreamt of in my life.135 days since my gender confirmation surgery and my body was modified to match my soul and my spirit. In the beginning all I could feel was numbness, and the absence of my penis. Well to be honest I couldn't really feel the absence but I was extremely aware that it was no longer there. "Oh. My. God, this actually is real, this actually is not. a dream." was kind of how the dialog went in my mind. It took me a few hours to get curious and look down between my legs. Maybe it was the anesthesia, but strangely it wasn't the first thing I checked. I do remember reaching under the sheets of my hospital bed and thinking "Okay this is what Barbie must feel like" because there was a large plastic-y mound where my pubis was. It was a vacuum bandage, and it confirmed that I literally no longer had a penis. I remember thinking "I should be more emotional abou...