151 days

November 20, 2019 was basically a funeral.

It was at a somber ceremony for transgender day of remembrance where I met her in person for the very first time, and I believe we hit it off much like I do with everyone. I do try to put new siblings at ease when I know they're new to our area and need to find some comfort in the face of a friend and ally. It was a very cold evening; and seeing her in a short pastel blue skater dress and spike heels I knew that (besides looking stunningly gorgeous), this amazon woman would be absolutely freezing by the end of the event. I remember wishing that I had brought an extra cardigan in my car for her to wrap, because it was so chilly - and she would not take the one I wore when I offered it.

After learning she was from the desert and who she was, I was especially excited to meet her though; Because I already knew OF her; with sis having told us already during a group meeting.

I remember when I first heard about this particular woman, I thought how brave and committed she sounded, and I thought it was sweet that sis was genuinely concerned about her well-being and also being supportive - and had reached out to educate herself to be as supportive as possible at that time. (I don't even remember now when that first support meeting was) ... So, you see I had already filed this special woman from the desert away into the "people I'd really like to meet someday" part of my mind.

Meeting her in person was different though because it also turned out that she had so many common passions as I do. I learned she loved surfing and bicycling in that first conversation - while we spent a fair amount of time talking together at this chilly table sitting on wet metal bar stools after the service. We exchanged contact information.  I'd like to think that in the month that passed before the new year we chatted a fair amount but honestly It was probably only a message here or a liked photo there, and so on...  We actually did see each other in person again at a holiday party during December, where we made our first date to do the polar bear plunge together on New Year’s Day. I remember feeling overjoyed at the idea of beginning the year with this new person to share adventures with, especially the ocean adventures kind.

She loves the ocean as much as I do, and so, we spent a few Saturday mornings together with her watching me frolic in the cold surf while she sat and drank coffee because she didn't have an actual bathing suit. We would walk the beach and talk together.

She started kissing me on the cheek when we parted. I remember being surprised that she would want to do that. I don't think we ever called them dates but in thinking back about it, it kind of feels like they were. I thought it was sweet to be kissed even as a kind feminine gesture, and I began to wonder what a real kiss with her would feel like.

That full-on-the-lips kiss was shared soon enough, after a night of cocktails and talking. It was awkward because I didn't know what to expect or to be honest even how to behave.

I absolutely felt like I messed it up because I was not completely prepared. The next time we did it, I was more ready, and it was easier between us. (Were we measuring each other for passion?)

I knew that I wanted to kiss her more.

Throughout January she was frustrated about not having work; and about being rejected repeatedly by otherwise great opportunities she would have been hired for. Much of our conversations revolved around those hard rejections. In early February she became very depressed about it, and I began to worry about her; and the effect the stress was having on her. She was so angry at being discriminated against for being trans. I remember feeling her pain and being angry too - because as trans women we all understand the fear of being left with no means of support due to other peoples' ignorance.

I felt helpless to assist my friend.

I wanted to get her outdoors, to have some fresh air, to get a break from the constant pain I could see her in. We made a weekend date to just spend time together. I ditched my usual swimming activities in order to just spend the time with her. We got some coffee at one of her favorite places downtown.  She then asked if we could go to an area here that we call Montaña De Oro - which has trails and ocean air.

We walked one of the trails and ended up at an overlook - peering over the edge - with the waves crashing on the rocks 100' below.

She stood too close...

I knew what she was thinking.

I stood by her, ready to grab on and hold her back if she tried.

I made small talk while she weighed the choice in her mind.

A family with a small child came near and provided a welcome distraction from the moment.

She stepped back from the edge.

During a different conversation on a different day, she told me I couldn't have stopped her if she had decided to go - and maybe she was right.

But I know I would have died trying and I think she did too.

I saved her life that day.

And then we walked back to my truck and sat in the cab out of the wind and listened to some playlists she had made up. and we talked.

While we listened to the music, she sang to me.

And then the wave of emotion came for her.

I held her in my arms for a long time while she cried it out.

All of the pain. All of the judgement. All of the uncertainty.

And I fell in love with her during that hour.

I wasn't looking for love and neither was she. It's the power of the human spirit, and the connection of sharing such a profoundly raw moment gave us each other's souls to hold.

I don't know if she loved me just yet, or if she just knew she could trust me and allowed herself to be vulnerable so I could share the burden.

I would have gladly carried it all for her in that moment (I still would)

I began to feel hormone storms coming from within me after that day in the truck. Every time I was near her. Every time we talked. Every time I thought of us together.

I began to fantasize about her, about what it would be like to give myself to her physically and she to me. My feelings of attraction and desire became so intense I started reaching out to others for advice.

how do I stop this?? was my plea. I knew to give in to the desires might mean great pain for someone else that I love deeply.

Nobody had an answer.

And, in the midst of this search for a way to let go of this profound attraction, I also wrote a poem for her as a valentine’s day gift.

"In myself, there is you" I wrote...

At the end of February I took a trip to do a moving chore with this gorgeous spirit whom I could not stop thinking about... And as my reward she was to show me the town and we would have drinks with all of her friends. It was a glorious evening plan. I secretly hoped it would become more. I actually thought about booking our shared room with just a single king bed. (I truly wish I had been so presumptuous)

We had to wait to get access to the storage, and so we got some take out lunch from the Vons deli. We sat at a table in the park, talking, and feeding each other ceviche using chopsticks that she carried in her purse. It was sweet, sitting next to each other like young lovers. I felt her close to me, her warmth, her scent. I wanted to just make out right then, but we had things to do an I still didn’t know for sure...

Eventually we got access to the storage and she did most of the work, I felt both happy and sad that she was getting her stuff back and at the same time ending a very happy chapter in her life.

Fairly quickly the chore was done, and then we went to the hotel. We got the room and had some beer, some wine, and vaped some pot. I swam in the pool while she watched me; and we were loving each other’s company. I hoped I was looking cute and attractive to her. 

She is out of my league in so many ways.

Getting ready to go out would have been every teenage boy's dream to watch, two women in their underwear putting makeup on together and choosing clothes for a night on the town; touching playfully and teasing each other and just being girly girls. I felt so fucking lucky.

And at the same time, we were casual about it. I could feel her eyes on me; and I'm sure she felt mine on her.

We eventually went downtown. We shared nachos for dinner at Blackbook; and they were good while we sat in a table near the front being a spectacle. So many people came up to her and said hello, I swear she knew everyone. We had many drinks on the town, only ever buying one or two. The rest being bought for us. I met several people that she already knew; and I even made a friend that I talk to occasionally to this day.

We danced and partied and drank in each other’s happiness. I touched her a lot while we walked and danced. It felt like she enjoyed it. She touched me back. Hours passed, and we went in 5 or 6 clubs, and then the night was over, and we caught the Lyft back to the room.

We both knew what was going to happen. And we both didn't. I was worried how was I going to say no, if I was not able to say yes? The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her feelings. (I was not going to say no; this is my brain pretending to be more wholesome than I truly am)

And then her lips were on mine, her eyes to my eyes, and we kissed; hungry; and I wanted her. OH, how I wanted her. In an instant, she pushed me back, and pinned me to the bed, holding my wrists. My eyes begged her to do it. I was not going to stop us. I didn't know what to do, how to go forward. I wanted to, FUCK how I wanted to. Fuck my inexperience! I thought; I wish I had known more been more aggressive. Been more sure. Been more for her. My god I wanted her, but I don't think I responded passionately enough. God, I hope I didn't make her feel rejected.

We came within a single word of making love that night. It ended up being her word to say - and she said no.

And then she broke down in tears for the second time I had ever seen since knowing her. "I'm such a horrible person" she cried.

I didn't know what to say. I was processing all that happened and I, ... I, ... I didn't know!

I HATE that I freeze up in difficult situations instead of knowing just what to say, how to be brave, how to comfort.... So, I stood next to her, very close shoulder to shoulder - but afraid to hold her because it seemed I might be the problem. I touched her gently. I could sense she was ... embarrassed? angry? "Just give me a minute" she said.

I went and sat on the bed, out of view, with my heart breaking at the obvious pain I had just caused. Eventually she calmed down and we laid in our beds, apart, not really saying much to each other.

WHY didn't we lay across from each other and talk it out through the night??

Always my good ideas come way to late...

I told her the next morning that I had no regrets. I was trying to be supportive.

Later I realized I was lying - to her, and to myself.

I regret not trying harder with every fiber of my soul.

I regret not fucking her

I would have done anything for her.

Perhaps that's why she stopped us.

We had breakfast in the morning and then sadly drove out of town to come home, making the best of the situation.

And we are still the absolute best of friends.

The power exchange that happened that night was immense.

Before, I had been the strong one, and she was leaning on me for support, even maybe for the will to go on. She needed me more than I did her, and I was joyful to be her rock.

Now, I am the needful one, the little girl who is stinging from her first hard crush, the emotional one. And this self-confident and strong woman is in control walking me through a very gentle letdown - because she is absolutely the most caring and decent woman.

She told me that she has also been here in this painful unknown place of need.

She also said the same thing about the hormones, and especially the 2nd year

"Trans adolescence."

I could not have asked for a better friend.

I would have given everything for her.

And now I am in a grief cycle where I'm looping between denial and bargaining.

This story is my best effort to mark an end to the fantasy that almost was but now will never be.

I know it’s time for me to let the dream go and move on through reality.

I don't feel like I deserve the time she spends on me, cradling my soul and gently easing me closer to the ground every day. Closer to some kind of peace and comfortable place in our relationship.

I want that peace. I want the easy chemistry, the wonderful simple happiness of it all back to how we were before.

And it's getting better. And I know she loves me. I see it in her eyes often, and I hear it in her voice sometimes...

And she won’t let it happen. because she says the greater love we share is too valuable to risk on physical pleasure. She's been right about so many things, maybe she’s right about that too.

Desperately I want her to be wrong, and for it to happen someday.

But my neediness does not respect her.

And I try my hardest to respect her.

So, need becomes want, and want gets put in a place only for me to know, to cherish.

This flame that burns steady but can only burn steady.

I'll never let it go out.

It has been 151 days.

(Draft 14/3/2020)

edits 20/3/20,

 19/4/20,

Published 19/5/20