The Gender Tourist

I like that I have some friends in several different cities that only know me as a female; or at least as a trans female. I love the fact that they were all engaging and respectful when we first met, and have befriended me even though at first impression I appeared outwardly to be different. Today, in the parking lot of a strip mall I was recognized by someone who manages our favorite pizza place in this city; and they had not seen me in many months but were genuinely happy to see me (and my wife and our dog). They were excited to hear that I was planning to come back in July, too. People everywhere can be gracious and kind and wonderful in any place. It renews my faith in humanity, in spite of the awful bickering the media always puts in front of us that would have us believe otherwise. And I think as long as I am authentic and forthcoming in my travels and what I project, it will be returned in kind. Also, as a footnote, I also love the fact that nowadays when I encounter the...

I love the ocean. Because I live so close I get to spend a lot of time there; its my happy place. If im upset or pensive or pretty much in any other mood, going there always makes me feel better. Actually getting in the water and enjoying the feeling of floating, being gently (and sometimes not so gently) moved by the waters is amazing. Today I have a room literally overlooking the beach and it's almost warm enough to swim without a wet suit. Thanks to Amazon, I also now own a two piece spring swim set made from the thinnest of wet suit material but still forgiving enough to get in and out of without major effort.  It is a gray, long sleeve top and calf length "shorty" design, and has a nice pale blue Hawaiian pattern on the sleeves and accent panels. I'm about to go get in the 59 degree water and hopefully enjoy it more than I would have in just board shorts. Either way, I'll be Happy happy happy :) (** Update ** I think I rather look a bit like a d...

Silence can be deafening. The mind will run to all the worst case scenarios when left to itself with no guidance. In the end I suppose its up to me to let it go and let things be what they will be.  If there's one thing all my years have taught me, it's that I cannot change the things I have no control over so worrying on them is of no use and tends to be detrimental overall. Some day the answers will come; or they won't.

For so many years I carried on feeling uncomfortable, because I assumed I was deviant and unlovable if I was authentic about presenting the way I felt sometimes. Now, I present the way I feel, more often than not (the not being when I am at work or potentially representing my organization) - and for the most part the people I dont know are OK with that. I almost always recieve respect and often are engaged more by strangers, than if I was concealing the self of the moment. So why do non aligned people that I DO know get so uncomfortable around the idea so much more often? At face value its said to be out of concern for me; yet I wonder if its more self serving on their part. More later. Just a random thought for now...

After weeks of intensive introspection; These thoughts keep me awake. Is it actually as simple as all that? Am I behaving as an entitled product of privilege? Do I endanger the credibility of those who are actually consumed with Need? Do I matter just the same even though this fire simply smolders instead of rages?

I wrote last time about the first iteration of Allie, and how it was exclusively a digital identity. After a couple years of interaction online, in contexts that were primarily focused on sexuality and hardly dealt with reality, I wanted to meet and talk to someone fact to face about being trans. I remember googling for support groups and finding the one I currently attend. I liked that it was a small distance from home, away from my work universe slightly, and also in a town I enjoyed visiting as well, so it seemed like a good fit. I really didn't know what to expect. Part of me probably expected more of a socializing group, and less structure as a support group. But what I found was exactly what I needed, a place where I could open up and share with others about what I was thinking, feeling, doing - and receive feedback in kind. Not advice, but from a perspective of "this was the way I experienced it" sort of support. And of course naturally some social connection...

So when did named Allie come to be, and how? Somewhat surprisingly, during a couple of group discussions, I have learned that the choosing of a trans name in today's world is nearly a universal construct of the necessity of having an online identity. OK; I suspect that's probably an inaccurate and broad over-generalization. There are of course exceptions, but in my microcosm of trans friends and acquaintances, around 8 or 9 out of 10 group members agreed that they first chose a name in order to have an online identity; so that they could go on to interact with others in a social media or other electronic communication context. Allie was no exception. And so, my second 'coming out' experience was digital, and was intended to provide access to, and make me more accessible to others with similar challenges, needs and interests. Somewhere around 2010 (rough estimating because I'm actually too lazy to log on and check the exact date) Allie 1.0 was created in its fi...