Thoughts on GRS now that I've had it

 I wish I could say that this was a happy celebratory post.


The truth is that I am so beside myself that if i had the decision all over again, I would choose NOT to proceed with GRS.

Let's start with the 3rd day in the hospital. (Yes the surgery itself went well, and I woke up in good spirits. It was momentarily amazing to realize I no longer had a penis and in its place was a new vagina)

I was very blase' emotionally. I was beginning to wonder if I would have any happy feelings to be honest. I had expected joy and instead I felt very ambivalent.

Towards the end of that day I found out that my partner had contracted COVID while there in west hollywood.

I could not go home.

I had not in my wildest dreams imagine that the entire support system I had put in place to assist me during recovery, would evaporate before my release.

I was devastated.

AND also finally the feelings came. I had not planned on how the absence of Testosterone would impact my emotional state.

I cried about a dozen times that afternoon and evening. The tears felt good, to be honest. I no longer felt ambivalence. But I also had the horrible feeling of being abandoned. Were it not for a dear friend to the rescue I may have been stuck in a hotel for a week after.

so lesson #1 do not underestimate how T is regulating your emotions (Unless you've had the orchi surgery prior) and 

Lesson #2 have a back up plan for your caregivers, because shit can happen. OR plan on doing it all alone if you cant depend on your people.



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