I like that I have some friends in several different cities that only know me as a female; or at least as a trans female. I love the fact that they were all engaging and respectful when we first met, and have befriended me even though at first impression I appeared outwardly to be different. Today, in the parking lot of a strip mall I was recognized by someone who manages our favorite pizza place in this city; and they had not seen me in many months but were genuinely happy to see me (and my wife and our dog). They were excited to hear that I was planning to come back in July, too. People everywhere can be gracious and kind and wonderful in any place. It renews my faith in humanity, in spite of the awful bickering the media always puts in front of us that would have us believe otherwise. And I think as long as I am authentic and forthcoming in my travels and what I project, it will be returned in kind. Also, as a footnote, I also love the fact that nowadays when I encounter the...

I love the ocean. Because I live so close I get to spend a lot of time there; its my happy place. If im upset or pensive or pretty much in any other mood, going there always makes me feel better. Actually getting in the water and enjoying the feeling of floating, being gently (and sometimes not so gently) moved by the waters is amazing. Today I have a room literally overlooking the beach and it's almost warm enough to swim without a wet suit. Thanks to Amazon, I also now own a two piece spring swim set made from the thinnest of wet suit material but still forgiving enough to get in and out of without major effort.  It is a gray, long sleeve top and calf length "shorty" design, and has a nice pale blue Hawaiian pattern on the sleeves and accent panels. I'm about to go get in the 59 degree water and hopefully enjoy it more than I would have in just board shorts. Either way, I'll be Happy happy happy :) (** Update ** I think I rather look a bit like a d...

Silence can be deafening. The mind will run to all the worst case scenarios when left to itself with no guidance. In the end I suppose its up to me to let it go and let things be what they will be.  If there's one thing all my years have taught me, it's that I cannot change the things I have no control over so worrying on them is of no use and tends to be detrimental overall. Some day the answers will come; or they won't.

For so many years I carried on feeling uncomfortable, because I assumed I was deviant and unlovable if I was authentic about presenting the way I felt sometimes. Now, I present the way I feel, more often than not (the not being when I am at work or potentially representing my organization) - and for the most part the people I dont know are OK with that. I almost always recieve respect and often are engaged more by strangers, than if I was concealing the self of the moment. So why do non aligned people that I DO know get so uncomfortable around the idea so much more often? At face value its said to be out of concern for me; yet I wonder if its more self serving on their part. More later. Just a random thought for now...

After weeks of intensive introspection; These thoughts keep me awake. Is it actually as simple as all that? Am I behaving as an entitled product of privilege? Do I endanger the credibility of those who are actually consumed with Need? Do I matter just the same even though this fire simply smolders instead of rages?

I wrote last time about the first iteration of Allie, and how it was exclusively a digital identity. After a couple years of interaction online, in contexts that were primarily focused on sexuality and hardly dealt with reality, I wanted to meet and talk to someone fact to face about being trans. I remember googling for support groups and finding the one I currently attend. I liked that it was a small distance from home, away from my work universe slightly, and also in a town I enjoyed visiting as well, so it seemed like a good fit. I really didn't know what to expect. Part of me probably expected more of a socializing group, and less structure as a support group. But what I found was exactly what I needed, a place where I could open up and share with others about what I was thinking, feeling, doing - and receive feedback in kind. Not advice, but from a perspective of "this was the way I experienced it" sort of support. And of course naturally some social connection...

So when did named Allie come to be, and how? Somewhat surprisingly, during a couple of group discussions, I have learned that the choosing of a trans name in today's world is nearly a universal construct of the necessity of having an online identity. OK; I suspect that's probably an inaccurate and broad over-generalization. There are of course exceptions, but in my microcosm of trans friends and acquaintances, around 8 or 9 out of 10 group members agreed that they first chose a name in order to have an online identity; so that they could go on to interact with others in a social media or other electronic communication context. Allie was no exception. And so, my second 'coming out' experience was digital, and was intended to provide access to, and make me more accessible to others with similar challenges, needs and interests. Somewhere around 2010 (rough estimating because I'm actually too lazy to log on and check the exact date) Allie 1.0 was created in its fi...

I re-wrote the title of this post several times and I'm still not quite happy with it. I hereby reserve the right to re-title this in the future once my thoughts take better form and add context to the subject. With that said, there have necessarily been many stages of coming out as I have journeyed along this path and for the sake of the current situation I want to review them almost as much for my own understanding as I do for late developments. Introducing (exposing?) Allie to the world has taken many forms over many years and always has led to greater understanding and self acceptance for me (and occasionally for others).  Some have been accidental, some unexpected, some filtered and some planned and then ultimately the most recent unplanned (but not entirely unpredictable) exposition which has led to this posting. As with the rest of this blog so far, I'll begin chronologically because its the only way I know (even though I suspect for blogging purposes getting to th...

Somewhere around age 10, my parents got a letter from the school advising that there was going to be a presentation on sex ed. We've all probably been through similar experiences and mine was no different with relation to the school's approach. But I do have very distinct recollections of "The talk" that was prompted by this letter. As I look back with an eye towards self-examination I can see that this moment in my life was probably the first time I began to realize that I wasn't fully aligned with the proper gender group. My mother and I sat down and she attempted to explain the differing sexual physiologies to me. I think the responsibility fell upon my mom to talk to me, because my dad was at work during the opportune moments; but also perhaps because he was always exceedingly uncomfortable with opening up and sharing any kind of personal or sensitive emotion or context. Not that he was a prude; he just always was guarded and never really shared or talked ab...

I had a lot of challenges as a youth, mostly related to bullying rooted in social awkwardness - because I didn't relate to the boys when it came to physical aggression.  Nor was I athletic and was fairly incapable in sports of any kind that relied upon visual coordination or dexterity (due to my total lack of depth perception - a genetic defect).  I remember in middle school one coach that loved on rainy days to pit us in captive combat in the gym on each other dodging volleyballs (he called it 'Bombardment') I was always terrified because I literally could not see the incoming blows before they happened. I was an easy target, making me a point of ridicule; and ultimately breaking my glasses several times in two years.  Also because of the self-consciousness I always felt and my lack of self-esteem, I did not  relate to the girls because I was so afraid of being rejected / mocked / bullied by them as well; and hanging around them during recess and other non ...

This week I'm vacationing in a city a long ways from home. I plan to move here eventually; and as I was going to a local grocery store for a couple odds and ends for the hotel room fridge, I had a thought run through my mind - "I wonder how friendly the people are here?" and so I made a mental note pay attention also, to the fact that there is a lot more to gauging a place where I might want to live than just location, weather and affordability. I admit I was a tiny bit apprehensive as I walked into this store as all Allie - not knowing if I would be noticed, outed, engaged or otherwise. So it was really appreciated when I saw that my cashier was wearing a rainbow striped mickey mouse pin of support, and smiled a genuine smile as I said hi and answered their "How are you?" politeness with a mini account of my 1000 mile journey. They were Kind and genuinely friendly and I felt comfortable and accepted and not judged i...

I woke this morning feeling a bit melancholy for a couple of reasons. I don't know why exactly, but for some reason I was mourning the distance between my daughter and I. This distance, both physical (nearly 400 miles) and emotional - have been on my mind a lot lately and I'm not sure if it's just an empty nest feeling, or if its more than that. I don't think it's related to my transition, mostly because we haven't actually discussed that yet (although I do want to talk to her about it soon) - and I have given her cause for suspicions over the past years. (Ironically it was she that pointed out, while looking at a photo of me at age 10  "Gee dad, you were metro-sexual even back then"). Her observation a few years back was part of the catalyst that helped me towards  verum tuae sui - my current intention of self-truth and affirmation. Anyhow, we used to be really close and talk at least weekly in long phone calls. And now we rarely do; and when ...

After reading what I wrote last time, I actually thought about deleting it, because it made me feel silly that I would express such a notion...  But that wouldn't be very honest, to filter myself that way, would it? Besides, I felt what I felt, and thought what I thought, and so what if its a bit daft. It's all me, and helps to illustrate the maelstrom of confusion that is ... this hot mess that I am :o) With that off my chest, I am excited tonight because tomorrow I have a hair appointment; which is cool not only because I have a great stylist and I will get a new awesome do, but also because I am completely out to her and I can be me.  Plus, as a bonus I am hoping to speak to one of the estheticians about some makeup tips and such, to cover the shadow left after I shave. It should be a good day even if it is going to be raining.

As I am becoming more aware of my body and paying attention , I have come to realize I have a cycle too. Obviously I'm not genetically female (and not on hormone therapy yet; so could I actually still be on a physiological cycle of some sort? Why might I ask that, you say? Here's the deal: Yesterday I cried my eyes out watching A Dog's Purpose . And even though I knew this was a likely outcome given the subject matter, I really felt like going with the emotions... I really felt like I needed to allow myself to fully feel what I knew I needed to feel. But that's not all. I'm achy, and tired, irritable today. Partly because I gained a freaking six pounds since Saturday! It has to be water, right? I don't think I've eaten six pounds of food in two days!!! And I feel sad. Not depressed, but just acutely aware that change in my life is happening at a glacial pace, or so it seems. And I consider all of these symptoms and I realize that they...

The epiphany about owning my "Transgender" label came to me on one of the first evenings that I spent among like minded and allied people in a discussion group: When I asked the question "Am I trans enough to be in this group?" A particularly well spoken young man explained to me, that "If; when you think about the day that you were born - and the doctor announced your gender by saying 'It's a Boy!'  (or ' It's a girl!' as the case may be) - if you have ever questioned whether that announcement was accurate in any way, Then you are transgender" That simple definition was so liberating to me because up to that point I seriously thought I was just being deviant (a label society trained me to assume) and was 'only a cross dresser' - because I held no recollections of " always being a girl". Up to that point I had believed that as soon as one became self aware of gender identity, all trans people have known and be...