The Gender Tourist

So for about a week  have been sporting this temporary body art on my right forearm: and I have been exuberant that I am literally wearing the words of my heart on my sleeve so to speak. I was proud to show it off at Ventura PRIDE, and around the hotel, and everywhere else I went. I got a few comments on it and a few even said they liked it enough to get one themselves. I believe the sentiment, I really do; and I have felt like I am living up to it - or was, until today. So at work, around my homo-and-transphobic, sexist, bigoted, and otherwise abusive boss, I have covered it for the past 3 days with long sleeves (which felt like a cop-out in the first place as I talk about being brave and bold and all). But today I washed my hands and forgot to put my sleeves back down before going back into the office. "That's a mighty interesting choice of words for your tat, there" he said. I was of course shocked by my error and the inquisitive statement. I had to think f...

The chemical stench assaults her nose and makes her head dizzy. It burns her eyes - The crimson flows into the cotton and drips like the blood of her spirit into the wastebasket; it stains her fingers with each wipe. She does not cry chemical tears though, these tears are real; as one color of her youthful spirit's hopeful abandon disappears from these fingertips. Tomorrow she goes to work in the world of non-believers; in the world of hate and judgement born of ignorance. But Allie IS real - she is still here but must hide to survive, to earn her living, to maintain her medical access. It's no small sacrifice to shed this appropriately symbolic 'blood' off her fingernails to exist stealthily another day, concealed within business casual and false bravado. It's a bigger sacrifice of spirit though. The tears have dried on the outside at least; Her inner strength is fierce, and real.

So a short time ago I went to my first PRIDE festival and had a great time. It was so wonderful to be out, among friends, and at an event that celebrates (among a multitude of other goodness) the spirit of who I have been learning to be proud of. Then as a matter of fortunate timing and newly acquired brevity on my part, I ventured to my second PRIDE festival in my own hometown, and again it was amazing. I met some people, hung out with friends, and secretly hoped I was outing myself to at least one coworker and possibly meeting that disclosure at work head on if it was to be my fate. Now, almost on a lark I am here preparing to attend Ventura PRIDE 2017 in my favorite R+R destination. I am so excited. I plan to "own it" today; rocking a short denim skirt and beautiful lace top, while stomping around in my most absolutely favorite suede knee boots. I cant wait to meet who I will meet, dance (if I am able lol) and basically let my true self shine like the freakin...

I awoke from a tormented dream this morning; In the dream I was taking a trip a long way from home and rushed through packing my bags. Then suddenly at the airport I realized that I hadn't packed any underwear. At first I was really upset upon realizing that I would have none of my favorite underthings and then I assuaged my distress with the realization that I could simply go shopping once I was at the destination and who doesn't love to go shopping, right? I still felt the aftereffects upon waking though, sort of a sense of uneasiness as is often the case after a nightmare. On reflection I don't think this dream was actually about clothing at all: I've had this question rattling around in my head lately - "What's the difference between simply being a crossdresser and being transgender?" I think I have been revisiting this question in my head because I intend to go for HRT sometime soon and I expect it will require some sort of clinical affirmation ...

I've been enjoying a somewhat break from the cyclical anxiety that I go through, most likely because work stress has almost been absent from my life for the past few weeks. I woke up this morning to the exception; an intense feeling of dread and thoughts racing in my head, again mostly centered around what I expect (or not knowing what to expect) upon my return to work after FMLA. I couldn't get out of bed for about an hour which is unusual for me; (That hasn't happened for a very very long time). I have an "as needed" prescription I could take but it tends to make me drowsy later in the day and I feel like there's just too much to get done, which is also fueling the growing sense of panic. Instead I am employing my strategy of doing the things I can control, chores, self care, (and blogging) to achieve little victories that make me feel better. With each baby step while the morning progresses, The anxiety and breathless feeling gets a little better. Her...

I haven't had much time to write lately because I've been taking care of my wife following a major orthopedic surgery. For the past 3 weeks I have been preparing our home, at the hospital, and then staying home to help her during recovery. One of the things I've learned is that filling this caregiver role is a lot of work! I didn't expect it to be as physically taxing as it has been. I'm fairly exhausted and literally needed to get another epidural injection of my own to be able to do it - but as she gets better and has fewer needs, I am getting a little more rested too. And the absolute best news is that her procedure was successful and she is recovering nicely. I could not have hoped for better than that. The on-topic reason I am writing this blog entry however is that there has been a silver lining on a more personal level. I have spent the past 22 days living almost exclusively as Allie throughout the experience. It has been a joy to present myself as she, c...

The strange thing is that for countless years I hid, and avoided showing any sign of my true self, for fear of judgement by people I didn't even know. I assumed that I would of course be pegged as a deviant and perhaps even worse. Then once I began to let Allie out for real in tourist mode where I don't really concern myself about what the consequences might be; and then began to pay attention to what was reflected back to me by the people I would meet - I realized something incredible and unexpected taking place. For context consider this; I believe that in all of us - our "instincts" are often reading signals that others are unknowingly broadcasting. (Have you ever been staring at someone and had them turn around and stare you right in the eye?) So given that concept, I know that as a closeted trans woman presenting male I used to broadcast fear, and deception, and uncertainty, and I know that on some level everyone I interacted with could feel it; actually...

And I mean that literally; to be acquainted, to be identified the same with peers of such pure intention within the trans community - I feel like I should do more. Should be more - than I am now. In the past three days I have read incredibly moving prose from two friends - one anguished and haunted and struggling, And then more recently one filled with positivity and light and hope in the face of and responding to judgement. I'm not worthy. Both writings move me - to be better, to do more than I am now. I feel so very selfish suddenly; having all my fun being the "tourist" when these women are living it every day at whatever the cost. And struggling while they forge on against adversity. And a third friend literally giving all of herself, her time, her resources to help yet another young woman going all-in; in this struggle for identity. I gave to their cause but merely a pittance (due to a legitimate circumstance); but I still feel selfish not giving more. I...

I am grateful to live in this era where trans actors are finally being given significant and authentic roles. In my youth the only way one would ever see a trans character (let alone actor) was in a role showing them as the victim of a hate crime (usually murder) or as a sex worker; or alternatively as "comic relief" in some demeaning-to-the-demographic role that allowed transphobic viewers to have a studio-sanctioned guilt free laugh at our expense. In my opinion those stereotypes only served to keep a large part of our growing segment of society in the closet just a little bit longer than we might have otherwise been - but that is changing. Thanks to progressive production companies and screenwriters, in the past decade there have been several examples of more authentic characters, and although there are small problems with the portrayal of most; it is a definite step in the right direction. I was moved to write this after watching the final episode of season 1 from...

I like street fairs, farmers markets and so on. Put that together with a couple thousand of my fellow LGBTQ friends and allies and you have the makings of an awesome day. It was great being out in a community just next door to home, and not really caring if I was recognized. I'm getting over it really fast, the fear of repercussions at work. Anyhow I was so excited to go, and have some family come support me and us, and we even ran into some of their friends too. A nice afternoon to be sure. I even painted my own pride flag nails for the day! I may still be an amateur at nail polish but I had fun representing!

The more time I spend presenting as my true self, the more bold I become in owning my identity everywhere. A year ago I wouldn't have dreamed of going to a local LGBTQ event as Allie, out of fear of being outed by a coworker or business contact that only knows me by my given name. The acceptance I have encountered by total strangers during my tourist journeys encourages me to also be authentic in my expression at or near home, even if it could result in being outed where I am not fully ready. My pride in who I am and the positivity and personal growth that results from owning it, gives me strength to face the unknown. and I am PROUD of Allie, and all that she stands for. So, I will be going tomorrow to this event and I plan to fully enjoy myself without trepidation.

And the worst part of being the Gender Tourist is coming home and putting my true self back in the bottle. I literally felt like crying as I tossed the ball in the park for the dog one more time before the drive home. I will miss you, Beautiful city by the sea...

Sometimes I think the assumption is that if one holds any strongly progressive beliefs, that somehow you cant also love our country. I guess its sort of a "guilt by association" response?? Anyhow my deep love of country is exactly because of the fact that I can have different ideals and beliefs than my other countrymen, and yet we all still respect each others rights to do so, and vice versa. Happy Independence day, everyone! and remember that what makes us different is the essence of what makes us great!

I understand that it's an innocent question to you; and a year ago it probably wouldn't have bothered me hardly at all since I was stealthy then; but asking "are you going to bring any actual guy clothes on our trip?" on the eve of said trip really puts a negative spin in my head. Especially so, when on each previous trip this past year you have also requested "I want at least one special day with just my man " It makes me feel like everything I am is invalid to you, and you are just humoring me but you really haven't accepted that this is more than a roleplay for me. And then there's the defense you use when I question or criticize - you immediately suggest that you'll just withdraw your participation entirely. "Just go without me" and "I just wont talk at all anymore since I cant say anything right" I feel like if your regular means of dealing with conflict in our relationship is to immediately threaten withdrawal, t...

I have been working hard and stressing harder these past few weeks; and within a week from now I will be bound for our favorite beach getaway for another 5 glorious nights! I am starting to get excited; and I plan to live it up to the fullest! Allie will be swimming every morning; playing with the puppy as much as possible and spreading the love wherever I go. Shopping with my bestie (who also happens to be my wife), Mani Pedis, and some awesome outfits are in our future. Maybe even going to visit the hair extensions booth at the local mall there and see if theres anything that will add to this girls already cute do. There's a street fair, and many events, and there is even a transgender pool party in a nearby town that I would really like to go to. I am stoked already! Happy Happy Happy!!!

So the first time I shaved my legs, I got a pleasant surprise, which I will tell you about in a minute. But first, I want to relate that the experience was a milestone type of awakening for me. I did it in the shower, and used one of the commonly available specially designed razors for sensitive skin. I also forgoed using shaving cream; instead using a good lather of body wash which I use daily. Its nicely scented, has moisturizers and a little bit of some special essential oil I think for the skin. It worked out fabulously; I took long strokes from the top of my foot up to my knee, working around each leg, and rinsing the razor under the showerhead often. Then carefully up over the knee, and the back of the knee all around again, and finally I did the same to my thighs, the backs, above the knee, you know... What I learned doing this deliberate act, was a sense of self- love because I was doing something for Allie, specifically, that I would not have done otherwise. Each de...

I like that I have some friends in several different cities that only know me as a female; or at least as a trans female. I love the fact that they were all engaging and respectful when we first met, and have befriended me even though at first impression I appeared outwardly to be different. Today, in the parking lot of a strip mall I was recognized by someone who manages our favorite pizza place in this city; and they had not seen me in many months but were genuinely happy to see me (and my wife and our dog). They were excited to hear that I was planning to come back in July, too. People everywhere can be gracious and kind and wonderful in any place. It renews my faith in humanity, in spite of the awful bickering the media always puts in front of us that would have us believe otherwise. And I think as long as I am authentic and forthcoming in my travels and what I project, it will be returned in kind. Also, as a footnote, I also love the fact that nowadays when I encounter the...

I love the ocean. Because I live so close I get to spend a lot of time there; its my happy place. If im upset or pensive or pretty much in any other mood, going there always makes me feel better. Actually getting in the water and enjoying the feeling of floating, being gently (and sometimes not so gently) moved by the waters is amazing. Today I have a room literally overlooking the beach and it's almost warm enough to swim without a wet suit. Thanks to Amazon, I also now own a two piece spring swim set made from the thinnest of wet suit material but still forgiving enough to get in and out of without major effort.  It is a gray, long sleeve top and calf length "shorty" design, and has a nice pale blue Hawaiian pattern on the sleeves and accent panels. I'm about to go get in the 59 degree water and hopefully enjoy it more than I would have in just board shorts. Either way, I'll be Happy happy happy :) (** Update ** I think I rather look a bit like a d...

Silence can be deafening. The mind will run to all the worst case scenarios when left to itself with no guidance. In the end I suppose its up to me to let it go and let things be what they will be.  If there's one thing all my years have taught me, it's that I cannot change the things I have no control over so worrying on them is of no use and tends to be detrimental overall. Some day the answers will come; or they won't.

For so many years I carried on feeling uncomfortable, because I assumed I was deviant and unlovable if I was authentic about presenting the way I felt sometimes. Now, I present the way I feel, more often than not (the not being when I am at work or potentially representing my organization) - and for the most part the people I dont know are OK with that. I almost always recieve respect and often are engaged more by strangers, than if I was concealing the self of the moment. So why do non aligned people that I DO know get so uncomfortable around the idea so much more often? At face value its said to be out of concern for me; yet I wonder if its more self serving on their part. More later. Just a random thought for now...