I hate myself for having a mouth

 I made the mistake of thinking it was okay to speak to my doctor about my care

.

Turns out that my partner had already decided what the answers were and speaking to the doctor was disrespectful and hurt her by challenging her absolute authority. 

Now I am not allowed to speak to her, OR my doctor. I'm trapped in a car for the next several hours and cannot do anything about it that isn't going to end our relationship.

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Soulmate has no gender

Foreword: >> Originally published November 28, 2017. I started this blog entry on July 18th while sitting at my wife's hospital bedside as she recovered from major surgery. With so much going on it sat in my drafts until now... But I am completing this today because recent conversations with sisters online have motivated me to share. Hopefully our successes can be inspirational and help to smooth the relationship pains that are inevitably a result of change. << Up until now my blog has been mostly singular, because I have been trying to define  myself  and was doing so through this collection of thoughts and images. (I was assuming that to define self, I had to focus exclusively). Indeed one could easily and even likely assumed from my blog entries up to this point that I have been alone in my journey and that is absolutely NOT the case. Laurie is my wife. She is my soulmate, my best friend, my partner in crime, my shopping buddy, and my most...
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151 days

November 20, 2019 was basically a funeral. It was at a somber ceremony for transgender day of remembrance where I met her in person for the very first time, and I believe we hit it off much like I do with everyone. I do try to put new siblings at ease when I know they're new to our area and need to find some comfort in the face of a friend and ally. It was a very cold evening; and seeing her in a short pastel blue skater dress and spike heels I knew that (besides looking stunningly gorgeous), this amazon woman would be absolutely freezing by the end of the event. I remember wishing that I had brought an extra cardigan in my car for her to wrap, because it was so chilly - and she would not take the one I wore when I offered it. After learning she was from the desert and who she was, I was  especially  excited to meet her though; Because I already knew OF her; with sis having told us already during a group meeting. I remember when I first heard about this particular ...
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My reflection (in the eyes of the casual observer)

The strange thing is that for countless years I hid, and avoided showing any sign of my true self, for fear of judgement by people I didn't even know. I assumed that I would of course be pegged as a deviant and perhaps even worse. Then once I began to let Allie out for real in tourist mode where I don't really concern myself about what the consequences might be; and then began to pay attention to what was reflected back to me by the people I would meet - I realized something incredible and unexpected taking place. For context consider this; I believe that in all of us - our "instincts" are often reading signals that others are unknowingly broadcasting. (Have you ever been staring at someone and had them turn around and stare you right in the eye?) So given that concept, I know that as a closeted trans woman presenting male I used to broadcast fear, and deception, and uncertainty, and I know that on some level everyone I interacted with could feel it; actually...
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