when a service bottom becomes a liability instead of a pleasure

I participated in a kink event this weekend, where there were no expectations and no agendas. Just to have fun at a friends birthday party which was held at a semi-local dungeon. 

I attended with my Themme and we made it a date night where she made a special effort to feature me in her affectionate displays (as my "date"), and also she performed as a top in a scene with me; mostly for my pleasure as opposed to taking pleasure in what I have to offer her as a submissive.

In the past this has served us somewhat well, because she was starting out as a top/domme and I was looking for every opportunity to find value to her, in order to also feel it within myself (due to my HUGE self worth issues which I can't seem to overcome) Ours was a symbiotic relationship where we had mutual value to each other.

This time was different though.

I learned that I no longer bring value to a scene as her sub; In fact I no longer bring value to anyone as a sub.

Nobody cared to even watch what unfolded in the center of the venue.

Nobody cared

It seems that every time I do a kink scene or even participate in an event at this particular location, I learn something about myself. 

Last night I learned that one of my major attractions to being a bottom is the opportunity I have to validate my femininity through exhibitionism.

I also learned that this only serves ME and it only does so if people care to watch.

My Themme pointed out that this was my very first scene where I was bottomless (no panties); and it seemed like it might actually BE a milestone - until literally nobody showed up.

even though my domme announced to the crowd that she was about to top me with whips and floggers, 

Nobody came into the room to watch.

Unfortunately I noticed this fact, and immediately tears were streaming down my face. 

Literally nobody cared about me, and my scene.

My Themme, being the ever vigilant and caring soul that she is; also noticed my tears and deflated mental state. She checked in, with care. It was genuine. I told her I was okay because I hoped it was only temporary, that people were just getting drinks or snacks, or whatever. I thought they might show up and my them and I might still receive approbation from my "peers"

She continued our scene even though it brought her no pleasure. (as I am not a masochist she cannot enjoy sadism on me). So, she continued for my benefit only, that I would know at least she had not abandoned me, too.

She checked in with me; and made sure I was enjoying the scene. I answered truthfully, yes - because I was grateful for her attention and her care and effort on my behalf.

I've had a major struggle lately due to bottom surgery and being prohibited from participating in society in any way. I mean severely struggling. 

Ideations of giving up altogether. 

And in the past 2 weeks Ive made a few excursions back into society with the intention of showcasing my new physical appearance and being accepted back into society as a peer and participant.

but I fear age and appearance is still the universal constant; the one insurmountable hurdle that will relegate me into disreputable obscurity. "Eww gross, she actually had the nerve to hit on a 30 yo" etc obscurity. AND she's Fat.

and this time, (even though on the previous 3 times Ive played at this venue I was also largely ignored) I finally realized that nobody wants to watch a 62 year old do kink. 
I think it makes them uncomfortable TBH. 

Im not sure who I was kidding with my participation; the only other 60+ women I know who were active in this larger group have been either run out because they interrupted a scene over an equipment issue, or self deleted I presume because of the same ageism that I experience every time I take part as an active participant. 

So where does that leave me?

Im a 62 yo trans woman who, 3 years ago was on the top of her game, confident and hopeful, and optimistic - who is now sullen and questioning her self worth at LETERALLY EVERY INSTANCE  and measuring herself against people half her age that want basically nothing to do with her.

I might was well be paddling my kayak up a waterfall. It's never going to end well.

And where does it leave my partner?
My ever supportive themme, who loves me fiercely, and tries her best to include me and meet my needs?

I think my continued existence in the kink community does her a disservice.

She tops me out of obligation, even though I bring her no pleasure. 
I am not a pain slut, and the sadist in her craves pain.
And so, sometimes she extracts her toll in other ways when the time come to debrief 

She does not deserve my inner demons.

I think I may need to withdraw from active participation; to free her to truly be who she has always dreamed of being.

I understand now, I was never a real part of that dream.

I was the facilitator. The means to an end.
I'm not hot or sexy or desirable

I don't even have sexual or kinky fantasies, that's how broken I am.

I'm a girl without dreams

She does not deserve the weight I place upon her experience of life; - the very experience I dreamed of for decades and literally struck out to find together with her two+ years ago.

She does not deserve the baggage I bring to her life. And I am terrified that she might decide some day I am not worth the effort.

I am a liability

I am a liability to her future.

I 
Am
A
Liability
To
Her 
Joy

And the only thing I have to offer is a stable place to land; a place to rest between partners; A warm body to hold her when others are unavailable.

the best I can do is to have zero feelings

To have zero expectations.

To exact zero tax on her.

I am nothing but these things.

I am nothing.


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