Surfing the big feels

There's a popular GIF that I see often, showing a blank anguished face awash in the sea being overrun by waves... And the caption is "feels"



I've used this one meany times in the few years I have been transitioning; and TBH I thought I was pretty familiar with the concept. I thought I had a handle on the emotions that naturally come with HRT and ultimately accessing the full range of my emotional response capacity.



I was wrong.



The metaphor is an apt one though, we paddle about in our shore break of emotion, never really knowing the immensity of what could be in store for us in the form of a rogue wave, or living during the only pandemic in one's lifetime, ... or,

I don't know ...

perhaps instead its more like this:



(Cut to)

"There is a place within a long day's travel of my home - called the Cortes Bank. It is fairly regarded as producing the largest waves ever reliably seen, and yes ACTUALLY SURFED by man, on this planet."

Such are the feels that come to blindside us when We've fallen HARD for someone that

incredibly

somehow also fiercely loves us back -

And does so in exactly the way our spirit and soul has been craving our entire fucking life

THIS is the correct metaphor for what I've experienced fairly regularly since the beginning of 2020.


Cortes is MY "feels" wave. and I have both ridden it, and also spectacularly wiped out and been crushed by it.

And that's pretty much it.
In surfing, and in the metaphor for the relationship - the stages are the same.

You know someone (the break) is there. You're drawn to because they're beautiful. And mesmerizing. and exciting and terrifying and glorious and larger than life.

And then... you see the swell (emotion) theirs? yours?
And you think "Could I?"

and you're overtaken by something. (is it desire?) and you decide to try.

and the swell builds, and it becomes real, and you're in the perfect spot. Your breath catches and your heart rate quickens...

You're ready to go for it. and you begin to paddle, to reach out - you make the conscious decision to put yourself in the path of this danger. You make yourself vulnerable.

and at some point you gain an awareness that this person has chosen you, too
and all of a lifetime of self doubt-  of feeling less than-  of NOT BEING ENOUGH is stripped away

suddenly you are invincible, and you are brave and you are enough.

And you go for it. You try to catch the wave You give yourself over to them and you accept whatever fate awaits.

And OMG that swell builds and it builds... larger than life, bigger than anything you've ever felt before. Your heart is pounding as you feel yourself lifted up. And you keep pressing on, giving every ounce of effort you can muster from your being to the ride that is now in sight, almost within your grasp (as if it were a thing that could be held).

You're on top for a moment and you can see forever. You see a future spread out below you that is thrilling and terrifying and incredibly beautiful. And it is waiting.

At that crest of the world - you're ready to experience indescribable forces of nature

and then something happens.
The swell is leaving you behind. connection doesn't happen. there you are, slipping down the back side of awesome, and you watch as that glorious future fades into the distance.

And you grieve the loss. You know there will never be another exactly like this one. There are no second chances.

and you may be a little bitter, you may be angry at your lack of ability. You may just be horribly sad.

But hey, youre still there out among the ocean of feels on the Cortes bank.

And there will always be another wave someday. as long as you are ready and willing to go for it.

You may yet seize that ride of a lifetime.