The Gender Tourist

Foreword: >> Originally published November 28, 2017. I started this blog entry on July 18th while sitting at my wife's hospital bedside as she recovered from major surgery. With so much going on it sat in my drafts until now... But I am completing this today because recent conversations with sisters online have motivated me to share. Hopefully our successes can be inspirational and help to smooth the relationship pains that are inevitably a result of change. << Up until now my blog has been mostly singular, because I have been trying to define  myself  and was doing so through this collection of thoughts and images. (I was assuming that to define self, I had to focus exclusively). Indeed one could easily and even likely assumed from my blog entries up to this point that I have been alone in my journey and that is absolutely NOT the case. Laurie is my wife. She is my soulmate, my best friend, my partner in crime, my shopping buddy, and my most stea

Its hard to believe that we live in a country that openly goes back on its promise to its young people. I can only hope that via the congressional check to balance the executive decree, this injustice will be avoided before so many promising lives are changed forever. Indeed their trust in their prospective government must certainly be already shaken, and I suppose that's a good thing - as once they do earn the full citizenship status they have been striving for they will be perhaps more skeptical and on guard than we. Perhaps our best future lies not in the distracted youth of our current populace but instead in the proactive youth of our immigrants; for they are more like our forefathers than we in our comfortable privileged lives will ever be.

I spent last weekend at a management conference in the financial district of Los Angeles. I am pretty sure I was the lowest paid attendee there - (I could never spend on my own what it costs to stay there, even on a vacation)  Part of the invite was a comped night at the Intercontinental Hotel Downtown, and because I have a club card they upgraded me to a corner suite on the 41st floor. So here I am having my dinner at 9pm and pondering a scandalous thought: What if Allie went to the conference instead? I had never met anyone there before and also had not done business with any of them either. Tempting, it was. But I felt like the distraction of 'coming out' to all these strangers, although personally satisfying, would likely be unfair to them and would distract us all from why I was there in the first place.  So I presented male as expected for the event sessions, and actually learned a few things while I was there. Only the wonderful sweet heart of a housekeeper knew A

I have pretty fierce shadows on my face.  So naturally when I get all fixed up to go out I so the shave in both directions thing, and moisturize, then orange corrector and then a very light bit of foundation over that. Usually what's just left in the brush if I have done full makeup anytime recently.   I think I did pretty good in this image here: I try not to present in noticeably feminine outfits unless I have dealt with my shadows. So lately I think it's revived my follicles and I am only good for about 6 hours and that's a bummer.  I used to stay somewhat clean for up to 2 days. Now, bleh. Guess I will have to laser it off sometime soon.  It will end up paying for itself in blade savings after a few years anyway, am I right? OH! I almost forgot about the question. So..., I find myself planning whether I shave or not at any given time, around what I expect from the day; say if I am going to work and expected to be masculine, I will probably skip

So for about a week  have been sporting this temporary body art on my right forearm: and I have been exuberant that I am literally wearing the words of my heart on my sleeve so to speak. I was proud to show it off at Ventura PRIDE, and around the hotel, and everywhere else I went. I got a few comments on it and a few even said they liked it enough to get one themselves. I believe the sentiment, I really do; and I have felt like I am living up to it - or was, until today. So at work, around my homo-and-transphobic, sexist, bigoted, and otherwise abusive boss, I have covered it for the past 3 days with long sleeves (which felt like a cop-out in the first place as I talk about being brave and bold and all). But today I washed my hands and forgot to put my sleeves back down before going back into the office. "That's a mighty interesting choice of words for your tat, there" he said. I was of course shocked by my error and the inquisitive statement. I had to think f

The chemical stench assaults her nose and makes her head dizzy. It burns her eyes - The crimson flows into the cotton and drips like the blood of her spirit into the wastebasket; it stains her fingers with each wipe. She does not cry chemical tears though, these tears are real; as one color of her youthful spirit's hopeful abandon disappears from these fingertips. Tomorrow she goes to work in the world of non-believers; in the world of hate and judgement born of ignorance. But Allie IS real - she is still here but must hide to survive, to earn her living, to maintain her medical access. It's no small sacrifice to shed this appropriately symbolic 'blood' off her fingernails to exist stealthily another day, concealed within business casual and false bravado. It's a bigger sacrifice of spirit though. The tears have dried on the outside at least; Her inner strength is fierce, and real.

So a short time ago I went to my first PRIDE festival and had a great time. It was so wonderful to be out, among friends, and at an event that celebrates (among a multitude of other goodness) the spirit of who I have been learning to be proud of. Then as a matter of fortunate timing and newly acquired brevity on my part, I ventured to my second PRIDE festival in my own hometown, and again it was amazing. I met some people, hung out with friends, and secretly hoped I was outing myself to at least one coworker and possibly meeting that disclosure at work head on if it was to be my fate. Now, almost on a lark I am here preparing to attend Ventura PRIDE 2017 in my favorite R+R destination. I am so excited. I plan to "own it" today; rocking a short denim skirt and beautiful lace top, while stomping around in my most absolutely favorite suede knee boots. I cant wait to meet who I will meet, dance (if I am able lol) and basically let my true self shine like the freakin

I awoke from a tormented dream this morning; In the dream I was taking a trip a long way from home and rushed through packing my bags. Then suddenly at the airport I realized that I hadn't packed any underwear. At first I was really upset upon realizing that I would have none of my favorite underthings and then I assuaged my distress with the realization that I could simply go shopping once I was at the destination and who doesn't love to go shopping, right? I still felt the aftereffects upon waking though, sort of a sense of uneasiness as is often the case after a nightmare. On reflection I don't think this dream was actually about clothing at all: I've had this question rattling around in my head lately - "What's the difference between simply being a crossdresser and being transgender?" I think I have been revisiting this question in my head because I intend to go for HRT sometime soon and I expect it will require some sort of clinical affirmation

I've been enjoying a somewhat break from the cyclical anxiety that I go through, most likely because work stress has almost been absent from my life for the past few weeks. I woke up this morning to the exception; an intense feeling of dread and thoughts racing in my head, again mostly centered around what I expect (or not knowing what to expect) upon my return to work after FMLA. I couldn't get out of bed for about an hour which is unusual for me; (That hasn't happened for a very very long time). I have an "as needed" prescription I could take but it tends to make me drowsy later in the day and I feel like there's just too much to get done, which is also fueling the growing sense of panic. Instead I am employing my strategy of doing the things I can control, chores, self care, (and blogging) to achieve little victories that make me feel better. With each baby step while the morning progresses, The anxiety and breathless feeling gets a little better. Her

I haven't had much time to write lately because I've been taking care of my wife following a major orthopedic surgery. For the past 3 weeks I have been preparing our home, at the hospital, and then staying home to help her during recovery. One of the things I've learned is that filling this caregiver role is a lot of work! I didn't expect it to be as physically taxing as it has been. I'm fairly exhausted and literally needed to get another epidural injection of my own to be able to do it - but as she gets better and has fewer needs, I am getting a little more rested too. And the absolute best news is that her procedure was successful and she is recovering nicely. I could not have hoped for better than that. The on-topic reason I am writing this blog entry however is that there has been a silver lining on a more personal level. I have spent the past 22 days living almost exclusively as Allie throughout the experience. It has been a joy to present myself as she, c

The strange thing is that for countless years I hid, and avoided showing any sign of my true self, for fear of judgement by people I didn't even know. I assumed that I would of course be pegged as a deviant and perhaps even worse. Then once I began to let Allie out for real in tourist mode where I don't really concern myself about what the consequences might be; and then began to pay attention to what was reflected back to me by the people I would meet - I realized something incredible and unexpected taking place. For context consider this; I believe that in all of us - our "instincts" are often reading signals that others are unknowingly broadcasting. (Have you ever been staring at someone and had them turn around and stare you right in the eye?) So given that concept, I know that as a closeted trans woman presenting male I used to broadcast fear, and deception, and uncertainty, and I know that on some level everyone I interacted with could feel it; actually

And I mean that literally; to be acquainted, to be identified the same with peers of such pure intention within the trans community - I feel like I should do more. Should be more - than I am now. In the past three days I have read incredibly moving prose from two friends - one anguished and haunted and struggling, And then more recently one filled with positivity and light and hope in the face of and responding to judgement. I'm not worthy. Both writings move me - to be better, to do more than I am now. I feel so very selfish suddenly; having all my fun being the "tourist" when these women are living it every day at whatever the cost. And struggling while they forge on against adversity. And a third friend literally giving all of herself, her time, her resources to help yet another young woman going all-in; in this struggle for identity. I gave to their cause but merely a pittance (due to a legitimate circumstance); but I still feel selfish not giving more. I&#

I am grateful to live in this era where trans actors are finally being given significant and authentic roles. In my youth the only way one would ever see a trans character (let alone actor) was in a role showing them as the victim of a hate crime (usually murder) or as a sex worker; or alternatively as "comic relief" in some demeaning-to-the-demographic role that allowed transphobic viewers to have a studio-sanctioned guilt free laugh at our expense. In my opinion those stereotypes only served to keep a large part of our growing segment of society in the closet just a little bit longer than we might have otherwise been - but that is changing. Thanks to progressive production companies and screenwriters, in the past decade there have been several examples of more authentic characters, and although there are small problems with the portrayal of most; it is a definite step in the right direction. I was moved to write this after watching the final episode of season 1 from

I like street fairs, farmers markets and so on. Put that together with a couple thousand of my fellow LGBTQ friends and allies and you have the makings of an awesome day. It was great being out in a community just next door to home, and not really caring if I was recognized. I'm getting over it really fast, the fear of repercussions at work. Anyhow I was so excited to go, and have some family come support me and us, and we even ran into some of their friends too. A nice afternoon to be sure. I even painted my own pride flag nails for the day! I may still be an amateur at nail polish but I had fun representing!

The more time I spend presenting as my true self, the more bold I become in owning my identity everywhere. A year ago I wouldn't have dreamed of going to a local LGBTQ event as Allie, out of fear of being outed by a coworker or business contact that only knows me by my given name. The acceptance I have encountered by total strangers during my tourist journeys encourages me to also be authentic in my expression at or near home, even if it could result in being outed where I am not fully ready. My pride in who I am and the positivity and personal growth that results from owning it, gives me strength to face the unknown. and I am PROUD of Allie, and all that she stands for. So, I will be going tomorrow to this event and I plan to fully enjoy myself without trepidation.

And the worst part of being the Gender Tourist is coming home and putting my true self back in the bottle. I literally felt like crying as I tossed the ball in the park for the dog one more time before the drive home. I will miss you, Beautiful city by the sea...

Sometimes I think the assumption is that if one holds any strongly progressive beliefs, that somehow you cant also love our country. I guess its sort of a "guilt by association" response?? Anyhow my deep love of country is exactly because of the fact that I can have different ideals and beliefs than my other countrymen, and yet we all still respect each others rights to do so, and vice versa. Happy Independence day, everyone! and remember that what makes us different is the essence of what makes us great!

I have been working hard and stressing harder these past few weeks; and within a week from now I will be bound for our favorite beach getaway for another 5 glorious nights! I am starting to get excited; and I plan to live it up to the fullest! Allie will be swimming every morning; playing with the puppy as much as possible and spreading the love wherever I go. Shopping with my bestie (who also happens to be my wife), Mani Pedis, and some awesome outfits are in our future. Maybe even going to visit the hair extensions booth at the local mall there and see if theres anything that will add to this girls already cute do. There's a street fair, and many events, and there is even a transgender pool party in a nearby town that I would really like to go to. I am stoked already! Happy Happy Happy!!!

So the first time I shaved my legs, I got a pleasant surprise, which I will tell you about in a minute. But first, I want to relate that the experience was a milestone type of awakening for me. I did it in the shower, and used one of the commonly available specially designed razors for sensitive skin. I also forgoed using shaving cream; instead using a good lather of body wash which I use daily. Its nicely scented, has moisturizers and a little bit of some special essential oil I think for the skin. It worked out fabulously; I took long strokes from the top of my foot up to my knee, working around each leg, and rinsing the razor under the showerhead often. Then carefully up over the knee, and the back of the knee all around again, and finally I did the same to my thighs, the backs, above the knee, you know... What I learned doing this deliberate act, was a sense of self- love because I was doing something for Allie, specifically, that I would not have done otherwise. Each de

I like that I have some friends in several different cities that only know me as a female; or at least as a trans female. I love the fact that they were all engaging and respectful when we first met, and have befriended me even though at first impression I appeared outwardly to be different. Today, in the parking lot of a strip mall I was recognized by someone who manages our favorite pizza place in this city; and they had not seen me in many months but were genuinely happy to see me (and my wife and our dog). They were excited to hear that I was planning to come back in July, too. People everywhere can be gracious and kind and wonderful in any place. It renews my faith in humanity, in spite of the awful bickering the media always puts in front of us that would have us believe otherwise. And I think as long as I am authentic and forthcoming in my travels and what I project, it will be returned in kind. Also, as a footnote, I also love the fact that nowadays when I encounter the

I love the ocean. Because I live so close I get to spend a lot of time there; its my happy place. If im upset or pensive or pretty much in any other mood, going there always makes me feel better. Actually getting in the water and enjoying the feeling of floating, being gently (and sometimes not so gently) moved by the waters is amazing. Today I have a room literally overlooking the beach and it's almost warm enough to swim without a wet suit. Thanks to Amazon, I also now own a two piece spring swim set made from the thinnest of wet suit material but still forgiving enough to get in and out of without major effort.  It is a gray, long sleeve top and calf length "shorty" design, and has a nice pale blue Hawaiian pattern on the sleeves and accent panels. I'm about to go get in the 59 degree water and hopefully enjoy it more than I would have in just board shorts. Either way, I'll be Happy happy happy :) (** Update ** I think I rather look a bit like a d

Silence can be deafening. The mind will run to all the worst case scenarios when left to itself with no guidance. In the end I suppose its up to me to let it go and let things be what they will be.  If there's one thing all my years have taught me, it's that I cannot change the things I have no control over so worrying on them is of no use and tends to be detrimental overall. Some day the answers will come; or they won't.

For so many years I carried on feeling uncomfortable, because I assumed I was deviant and unlovable if I was authentic about presenting the way I felt sometimes. Now, I present the way I feel, more often than not (the not being when I am at work or potentially representing my organization) - and for the most part the people I dont know are OK with that. I almost always recieve respect and often are engaged more by strangers, than if I was concealing the self of the moment. So why do non aligned people that I DO know get so uncomfortable around the idea so much more often? At face value its said to be out of concern for me; yet I wonder if its more self serving on their part. More later. Just a random thought for now...

After weeks of intensive introspection; These thoughts keep me awake. Is it actually as simple as all that? Am I behaving as an entitled product of privilege? Do I endanger the credibility of those who are actually consumed with Need? Do I matter just the same even though this fire simply smolders instead of rages?

I wrote last time about the first iteration of Allie, and how it was exclusively a digital identity. After a couple years of interaction online, in contexts that were primarily focused on sexuality and hardly dealt with reality, I wanted to meet and talk to someone fact to face about being trans. I remember googling for support groups and finding the one I currently attend. I liked that it was a small distance from home, away from my work universe slightly, and also in a town I enjoyed visiting as well, so it seemed like a good fit. I really didn't know what to expect. Part of me probably expected more of a socializing group, and less structure as a support group. But what I found was exactly what I needed, a place where I could open up and share with others about what I was thinking, feeling, doing - and receive feedback in kind. Not advice, but from a perspective of "this was the way I experienced it" sort of support. And of course naturally some social connection

So when did named Allie come to be, and how? Somewhat surprisingly, during a couple of group discussions, I have learned that the choosing of a trans name in today's world is nearly a universal construct of the necessity of having an online identity. OK; I suspect that's probably an inaccurate and broad over-generalization. There are of course exceptions, but in my microcosm of trans friends and acquaintances, around 8 or 9 out of 10 group members agreed that they first chose a name in order to have an online identity; so that they could go on to interact with others in a social media or other electronic communication context. Allie was no exception. And so, my second 'coming out' experience was digital, and was intended to provide access to, and make me more accessible to others with similar challenges, needs and interests. Somewhere around 2010 (rough estimating because I'm actually too lazy to log on and check the exact date) Allie 1.0 was created in its fi

I re-wrote the title of this post several times and I'm still not quite happy with it. I hereby reserve the right to re-title this in the future once my thoughts take better form and add context to the subject. With that said, there have necessarily been many stages of coming out as I have journeyed along this path and for the sake of the current situation I want to review them almost as much for my own understanding as I do for late developments. Introducing (exposing?) Allie to the world has taken many forms over many years and always has led to greater understanding and self acceptance for me (and occasionally for others).  Some have been accidental, some unexpected, some filtered and some planned and then ultimately the most recent unplanned (but not entirely unpredictable) exposition which has led to this posting. As with the rest of this blog so far, I'll begin chronologically because its the only way I know (even though I suspect for blogging purposes getting to th

Somewhere around age 10, my parents got a letter from the school advising that there was going to be a presentation on sex ed. We've all probably been through similar experiences and mine was no different with relation to the school's approach. But I do have very distinct recollections of "The talk" that was prompted by this letter. As I look back with an eye towards self-examination I can see that this moment in my life was probably the first time I began to realize that I wasn't fully aligned with the proper gender group. My mother and I sat down and she attempted to explain the differing sexual physiologies to me. I think the responsibility fell upon my mom to talk to me, because my dad was at work during the opportune moments; but also perhaps because he was always exceedingly uncomfortable with opening up and sharing any kind of personal or sensitive emotion or context. Not that he was a prude; he just always was guarded and never really shared or talked ab

I had a lot of challenges as a youth, mostly related to bullying rooted in social awkwardness - because I didn't relate to the boys when it came to physical aggression.  Nor was I athletic and was fairly incapable in sports of any kind that relied upon visual coordination or dexterity (due to my total lack of depth perception - a genetic defect).  I remember in middle school one coach that loved on rainy days to pit us in captive combat in the gym on each other dodging volleyballs (he called it 'Bombardment') I was always terrified because I literally could not see the incoming blows before they happened. I was an easy target, making me a point of ridicule; and ultimately breaking my glasses several times in two years.  Also because of the self-consciousness I always felt and my lack of self-esteem, I did not  relate to the girls because I was so afraid of being rejected / mocked / bullied by them as well; and hanging around them during recess and other non study times

This week I'm vacationing in a city a long ways from home. I plan to move here eventually; and as I was going to a local grocery store for a couple odds and ends for the hotel room fridge, I had a thought run through my mind - "I wonder how friendly the people are here?" and so I made a mental note pay attention also, to the fact that there is a lot more to gauging a place where I might want to live than just location, weather and affordability. I admit I was a tiny bit apprehensive as I walked into this store as all Allie - not knowing if I would be noticed, outed, engaged or otherwise. So it was really appreciated when I saw that my cashier was wearing a rainbow striped mickey mouse pin of support, and smiled a genuine smile as I said hi and answered their "How are you?" politeness with a mini account of my 1000 mile journey. They were Kind and genuinely friendly and I felt comfortable and accepted and not judged in the least. I wish I could remember t

I woke this morning feeling a bit melancholy for a couple of reasons. I don't know why exactly, but for some reason I was mourning the distance between my daughter and I. This distance, both physical (nearly 400 miles) and emotional - have been on my mind a lot lately and I'm not sure if it's just an empty nest feeling, or if its more than that. I don't think it's related to my transition, mostly because we haven't actually discussed that yet (although I do want to talk to her about it soon) - and I have given her cause for suspicions over the past years. (Ironically it was she that pointed out, while looking at a photo of me at age 10  "Gee dad, you were metro-sexual even back then"). Her observation a few years back was part of the catalyst that helped me towards  verum tuae sui - my current intention of self-truth and affirmation. Anyhow, we used to be really close and talk at least weekly in long phone calls. And now we rarely do; and when

After reading what I wrote last time, I actually thought about deleting it, because it made me feel silly that I would express such a notion...  But that wouldn't be very honest, to filter myself that way, would it? Besides, I felt what I felt, and thought what I thought, and so what if its a bit daft. It's all me, and helps to illustrate the maelstrom of confusion that is ... this hot mess that I am :o) With that off my chest, I am excited tonight because tomorrow I have a hair appointment; which is cool not only because I have a great stylist and I will get a new awesome do, but also because I am completely out to her and I can be me.  Plus, as a bonus I am hoping to speak to one of the estheticians about some makeup tips and such, to cover the shadow left after I shave. It should be a good day even if it is going to be raining.

As I am becoming more aware of my body and paying attention , I have come to realize I have a cycle too. Obviously I'm not genetically female (and not on hormone therapy yet; so could I actually still be on a physiological cycle of some sort? Why might I ask that, you say? Here's the deal: Yesterday I cried my eyes out watching A Dog's Purpose . And even though I knew this was a likely outcome given the subject matter, I really felt like going with the emotions... I really felt like I needed to allow myself to fully feel what I knew I needed to feel. But that's not all. I'm achy, and tired, irritable today. Partly because I gained a freaking six pounds since Saturday! It has to be water, right? I don't think I've eaten six pounds of food in two days!!! And I feel sad. Not depressed, but just acutely aware that change in my life is happening at a glacial pace, or so it seems. And I consider all of these symptoms and I realize that they'

The epiphany about owning my "Transgender" label came to me on one of the first evenings that I spent among like minded and allied people in a discussion group: When I asked the question "Am I trans enough to be in this group?" A particularly well spoken young man explained to me, that "If; when you think about the day that you were born - and the doctor announced your gender by saying 'It's a Boy!'  (or ' It's a girl!' as the case may be) - if you have ever questioned whether that announcement was accurate in any way, Then you are transgender" That simple definition was so liberating to me because up to that point I seriously thought I was just being deviant (a label society trained me to assume) and was 'only a cross dresser' - because I held no recollections of " always being a girl". Up to that point I had believed that as soon as one became self aware of gender identity, all trans people have known and be

Hi. I'm Allie. I've been Allie, a female, for the past 5 or 6 years or so. But I'm also part of someone else - a guy who's been around a lot longer. He's actually pretty nice, but always SO serious these days and he almost never says no, which means that he's let everyone else in his life define who he is and how he should feel about , well pretty much everything. So how did I come to exist? That's a long story and as near as I can tell I am almost as old as he is. Honestly I don't really know how old I am. We have been in this together for as long as I can remember. It's only recently that I have come to understand that Transgender is not an absolute but rather a whole spectrum of people and identities. My friends have helped me to understand that we can both coexist in this one body I have; and quite happily I might add. for now I'm OK with that. I am told that this is sometimes called gender fluidity. I prefer to call