random thoughts

Today I am filled with gratitude, love, melancholy, libido, and contentment.

I'm feeling really euphoric today.  I am definitely channeling my femme side as I go about my day and reflect on the journey that's brought me here.

In the long past (>10 yrs ago), because I did not have community I identified with people who are called cross dressers to find common ground and community. A lot of that identity is cringe for me now if Im honest about it. I don't exactly like being contacted by, followed on social media by, or otherwise interacting with people who identify that way. One of the only reasons I still do is that I firmly believe that a large percentage of those people are in fact trans, but are too frightened or transphobic to admit it and allow themselves grace to accept it.

Once I transitioned and gave in to accepting and celebrating the person that is me, AND as hormones have progressively affected my body and my thinking,  I sort of rejected my past identity out of hand because I'm  definitely not a cross dresser. (Defined for these purposes as a male identifying person who dresses in women clothes and accessories to feel feminine and to enjoy the sexual thrill of that feeling) 

But as it goes with all all things sometimes when we suppress or reject parts of us to an end, we also conceal some good parts of us that are part of that persona. 

I've been looking back on some of the things that made me happy in the past and I'm allowing myself to revisit those things again to see if they fit, make me happy, or otherwise positively affect my experience and understanding. 

It turns out that not everything about cross dresser me is unique from everything that is the transwoman I am now. So I've been experimenting a little bit with the intersection between those 2 identities and the things that made me feel a thrill which I now understand was closely linked with gender euphoria.