Soulmate has no gender

Foreword: >> Originally published November 28, 2017. I started this blog entry on July 18th while sitting at my wife's hospital bedside as she recovered from major surgery. With so much going on it sat in my drafts until now... But I am completing this today because recent conversations with sisters online have motivated me to share.

Hopefully our successes can be inspirational and help to smooth the relationship pains that are inevitably a result of change. <<

Up until now my blog has been mostly singular, because I have been trying to define myself and was doing so through this collection of thoughts and images. (I was assuming that to define self, I had to focus exclusively). Indeed one could easily and even likely assumed from my blog entries up to this point that I have been alone in my journey and that is absolutely NOT the case.

Laurie is my wife.

She is my soulmate, my best friend, my partner in crime, my shopping buddy, and my most steadfast supporter, among a multitude of other roles and titles. She is a true empath, a fierce ally, a defender, and my motivational coach. I like to call her my "bestie" because we really are pretty much inseparable unless I am at work.

And as I have been this “Gender Tourist”, she has been there alongside me pretty much every step of the way on my journey – sometimes urging me to take the risks, be brave, and go for the experiences that make me a better woman.

I met Laurie after the end of my previous marriage. Legally separated and enduring joint custody exchanges with my first wife, She was ironically enlisted by my ex to mediate those transfers and keep things amicable.

It was on one of those evenings, as I waited on the living room couch for the kids to show up - with my head in hands trying not to break out sobbing over the grief of my failure - It was that moment when Laurie literally reached out to me without warning and placed her hands gently on my shoulders from behind my seat - and said to me "It's going to be OK; you're going to get through this"

She obviously saw the pain I was feeling, she felt it, and responded to it. In that moment I knew I was in the presence of someone with true empathy. She had decided to act on the intuition she felt and reach out to me in consolation. I was so grateful and renewed, and comforted all at once; I stopped hating on myself for that moment and looked forward to the joy of seeing my kids instead of drowning in the guilt. This memory is as clear in my mind today as on the day it happened.

I had already been contemplating suicide - with the only thing stopping me being the knowledge that my kids needed me more than ever to be a reliable + stable influence in their lives. I literally felt that besides the kids, nobody cared whether I lived or died; and Laurie’s simple touch, that unexpected gesture of consolation and kindness - served to remind me that there was a whole world of that I didn't know yet, people who still would find value in me.

Laurie was recently widowed, in the most unimaginable way possible - her husband having shot himself as she watched. I still rage at the thought that she was forced to witness, to live through that. But she did live through it, and turned the loss into a will to live better. I was incredibly fortunate to meet her when I did and incredibly motivated by her strength of will.

As time passed I knew I wanted to be with her, but I also felt unlovable and so I tried to push her away by confessing every sordid thing about myself I could think of. On the day where we had the conversation about becoming more than just friends, I told her about crimes in my youth, and about my crossdressing and gender issues. I said to her "you deserve to know everything about me before you decide to date me" and I explained how much I enjoyed wearing women's clothing and feeling feminine. How important it was to me to express this side of myself and that I did not plan to stop.

I hoped she would find it repulsive and that we would go our separate ways; that I might avoid future complications of being who I felt like inside.

And what happened, is that she loved me all the more for disclosing everything; and for making myself vulnerable in that way. The utter honesty of my confession moved her in the exact opposite way that I had expected. I was completely unprepared for someone to love me for everything that I am, including my faults and misdeeds, and because I was gender non-conforming.

Laurie saw past the detritus of my life before and said that she wanted me because I was beautiful inside as well as outwardly. She sensed the soul within me even when I doubted it, and she was brave enough to act on her intuition and prop me up; to join me in the adventure of a lifetime.

With no secrets between us, we have been able to share so much more freely, and without fear or shame because we understand each other. And I have never been happier than I have been with her.

She taught me to love myself; because she did.
This is how we came to understand we are soulmates

And as years have progressed, and she has been by my side encouraging my self-discovery and experimentation and loving me more fiercely every day, I have come to realize one incredibly validating and comforting fact:

Soulmate has no gender