The Gender Tourist

Here I am.again, letting down my partner and failing to.  play the role I was supposed to play. She went to the trouble of getting tickets for us to see rocky horror for our date night, then invited my metamour to join us on our date and spent the first 75minutes of the show with her back to me while they sang the lyrics together.  Enjoying the show didn't click for me. I didn't realize the point was to share her passion, her metaphorical trans pride with as many people as possible. I should have realized it wasn't "our date" since I have no right to possess her time and attention in any way for any reason.  Those are her boundaries. This has hurt her feelings deeply and I am an abject failure yet again because I misunderstood my value in the situation.  I wish I could have just gotten the point and been thrilled and knew all the lines and had a fucking wonderful time. It just didn't give me those feels.  I don't know how to change that. I don't know h...

All the pain is undone As the fear it dies And the wars I've fought were worth the scars For the shimmer of the gold across your eyes And the darkness fades Through the light I see your face And you raise me up the fall and form The flicker in the storm inside of me Everything you are And all that you will be All the stars and spaces inbetween The colour of your soul is all I see 'Til the end of time 'Til we leave it all behind Every moment and beyond the light I'll be the one who's right there by your side It was always you It was always you It was always you Songwriters: Annaca Catherina Espach

It has been 135 days since my surgeon gave me one of the greatest gifts that Ive ever dreamt of in my life.135 days since my gender confirmation surgery and my body was modified to match my soul and my spirit. In the beginning all I could feel was numbness, and the absence of my penis. Well to be honest I couldn't really feel the absence but I was extremely aware that it was no longer there. "Oh. My. God, this actually is real, this actually is not. a dream." was kind of how the dialog went in my mind. It took me a few hours to get curious and look down between my legs. Maybe it was the anesthesia, but strangely it wasn't the first thing I checked. I do remember reaching under the sheets of my hospital bed and thinking "Okay this is what Barbie must feel like" because there was a large plastic-y mound where my pubis was. It was a vacuum bandage, and it confirmed that I literally no longer had a penis. I remember thinking "I should be more emotional abou...

I was asked to write about sex.  One might think that's an easy request but as I thought about it I began to realize it's actually an elusive and evolving subject for me. In the past several years sex has changed for me in so many ways.  In the far past as a girl with a penis, I typically performed the top role. I enjoyed it to the extent that I almost always came, and could also find pleasure in knowing that my partner had also reached orgasm. During those early days, menstrual sex was a big turn on and sometimes I got to partake in it. Ive also pretty much always been into waterspouts; and got to experience that rarely. The feeling of the extra lubrication in both of those fetishes was divine and guaranteed I would cum very hard. I began to realize I was trans and sex while exploring my femininity with lingerie and and bottoming also made sex hotter and more satisfying; but I was still the de facto top and still had a penis.  My first wife and sex partner did not really...

I participated in a kink event this weekend, where there were no expectations and no agendas. Just to have fun at a friends birthday party which was held at a semi-local dungeon.  I attended with my Themme and we made it a date night where she made a special effort to feature me in her affectionate displays (as my "date"), and also she performed as a top in a scene with me; mostly for my pleasure as opposed to taking pleasure in what I have to offer her as a submissive. In the past this has served us somewhat well, because she was starting out as a top/domme and I was looking for every opportunity to find value to her, in order to also feel it within myself (due to my HUGE self worth issues which I can't seem to overcome) Ours was a symbiotic relationship where we had mutual value to each other. This time was different though. I learned that I no longer bring value to a scene as her sub; In fact I no longer bring value to anyone  as a sub. Nobody cared to even watch what ...

 I wish I could say that this was a happy celebratory post. The truth is that I am so beside myself that if i had the decision all over again, I would choose NOT to proceed with GRS. Let's start with the 3rd day in the hospital. (Yes the surgery itself went well, and I woke up in good spirits. It was momentarily amazing to realize I no longer had a penis and in its place was a new vagina) I was very blase' emotionally. I was beginning to wonder if I would have any happy feelings to be honest. I had expected joy and instead I felt very ambivalent. Towards the end of that day I found out that my partner had contracted COVID while there in west hollywood. I could not go home. I had not in my wildest dreams imagine that the entire support system I had put in place to assist me during recovery, would evaporate before my release. I was devastated. AND also finally the feelings came. I had not planned on how the absence of Testosterone would impact my emotional state. I cried about a ...

 My partner asked me the other day "What's it like being partnered to a slut?" and then suggested I write about it. It's been on my mind since then, and I've waffled between writing this and not writing it. I want to be honest about it and try not to color my writing with emotions that I bring to the experience; but at the same time I want to be true to myself and write about those emotions. so this will probably be a very disjointed essay and may not in the end ever be published, due to her boundary regarding my not sharing "dirty laundry" with our peer group lest it tarnish her social image. That being said I do feel like I have some good things to say about it and then there's the not so good. In short, the way this has come down, being partnered to a slut has been both a dream to be realized and then simultaneously been the single most demoralizing experience of the past decade of my life.  I should qualify this by saying that my partner is a VER...

Today I am filled with  gratitude, love, melancholy, libido, and contentment. I'm feeling really euphoric today.  I am definitely channeling my femme side as I go about my day and reflect on the journey that's brought me here. In the long past (>10 yrs ago), because I did not have community I identified with people who are called cross dressers to find common ground and community. A lot of that identity is cringe for me now if Im honest about it. I don't exactly like being contacted by, followed on social media by, or otherwise interacting with people who identify that way. One of the only reasons I still do is that I firmly believe that a large percentage of those people are in fact trans, but are too frightened or transphobic to admit it and allow themselves grace to accept it. Once I transitioned and gave in to accepting and celebrating the person that is me, AND as hormones have progressively affected my body and my thinking,  I s...

She watched as big preparations developed; and wished that she might help but also knew it was not her place nor privilege, let alone within her ability Trapped in this orbit now, the sungrazer can only witness the events unfold Locked in her outbound spiral, even if the universe asked it the wants cannot become reality. Her path now measured in aeons will not bring her back to this juncture again Silently an understanding develops and the awareness of what she will witness from afar is both wonderful and also yet frightening. She anticipates this transit with trepidation slaked by joy.  Compersion takes hold even as the outsider. Such a conundrum to fear this unknown thing; and simultaneously be aroused by its potential to brighten the star she orbits with self consuming ferocity The scene begins and the young star is locked by gravity. Chains that may as well be laws of nature determine her fate; and its both wonderful and terrifying to witness Will the transit be a conjunction? ...

The sun grazer passed beyond the star,   out past the planets,   out past the oort cloud  She realized although the sun was still there,  she was no longer availed of its light and warmth  You're a good girl the sun said,  and the words feel hollow  like an apology not spoken  but apologies are not needed   Cuz It's the nature of the sun to attract life and love and desire It's silent here - and and the sun grazer can see the sun;  brilliant and warm, but distant The Silence of deep space lay ahead  and the warmth faded

I am filled with love today I woke up next to Theyngel I was so taken, so filled with happiness that she sees ME.  That she chooses me sometimes. Raven on milk skin, Royal purple hair and as a heart. She also sometimes loves like a snakebite its fleeting and paniful but  in that moment she chooses me In this moment I wake and she has chosen this time

Sitting here with hot tear streaked cheeks and neck. I'm afraid. My partner is out on a date, and it's OK because we're poly. It's part of the deal.  Communication has taken place, I know who  she's with, and I'm actually excited for her.  So why do I have this wrenching pain inside like my life is about to change in a way that leaves me even less ... what? The overbearing thought in my mind is that She can give my partner what I can't And because of that I'm afraid that I wont be valuable anymore

 Ive recently been attempting to understand a change thats happened to me over the past couple years and hope that these thoughts will help me to sort out whats's real, whats's purely emotional, and what I need to do to recover the strength and ferocity in my self esteem. Going back to 2018 I was on my way with transition and had just started hormones as of Feb 1. I had been spending a lot of time in group and finally gave myself permission to love myself again. and I recall that over time there began a profound loneliness growing inside of me also. I really wanted to spend time doing things with my wife but she had started slowing down and was less and less active outdoors. I began going to the beach a lot, swimming when I could. About twice a week I would go body surfing. And it was lonely to have all this energy, and want to be in the world and seen; and not have anyone to share it with. I began to wonder if I would ever find someone who cares 

Transit of blue moon Sisters we, living fiercely Tonight, all are light

The title is only relevant if you account that this post has gone unpublished since June 29th 2020. I was thinking about crushes, and love, and sexuality and self image and all the stuff that packs in alongside all of that. "151 days" describes a brief bit of my history. It happened, it happened exactly as I wrote it (to the limits of memory at least) and before final publication I had the woman from the story read through, comment, and ultimately give her consent for it to be published. The only caveat was she asked me to scrub her name from the original draft. the story didn't end there, obviously. In some ways I think pouring my heart out in such a beautiful way may have changed the outcome. Today, ours is an ongoing and very fluid relationship; where we range from purely platonic daily  conversations on one end of the spectrum; through discussing extremely intimate physical and emotional details of our other relationships; and ultimately having a wonderfully e...

now, bound from the sun the sungrazer, she could see there are so many stars

When as a Sungrazer, The one that brings you the greatest light and joy Also could crush your soul Like a black hole ...and you dance the celestial dance... ----- watching the other sungrazers and trying to smile happy for the sun but secretly hoping they will burn

November 20, 2019 was basically a funeral. It was at a somber ceremony for transgender day of remembrance where I met her in person for the very first time, and I believe we hit it off much like I do with everyone. I do try to put new siblings at ease when I know they're new to our area and need to find some comfort in the face of a friend and ally. It was a very cold evening; and seeing her in a short pastel blue skater dress and spike heels I knew that (besides looking stunningly gorgeous), this amazon woman would be absolutely freezing by the end of the event. I remember wishing that I had brought an extra cardigan in my car for her to wrap, because it was so chilly - and she would not take the one I wore when I offered it. After learning she was from the desert and who she was, I was  especially  excited to meet her though; Because I already knew OF her; with sis having told us already during a group meeting. I remember when I first heard about this particular ...