"The talk" - my first enlightenment

Somewhere around age 10, my parents got a letter from the school advising that there was going to be a presentation on sex ed. We've all probably been through similar experiences and mine was no different with relation to the school's approach. But I do have very distinct recollections of "The talk" that was prompted by this letter. As I look back with an eye towards self-examination I can see that this moment in my life was probably the first time I began to realize that I wasn't fully aligned with the proper gender group.

My mother and I sat down and she attempted to explain the differing sexual physiologies to me. I think the responsibility fell upon my mom to talk to me, because my dad was at work during the opportune moments; but also perhaps because he was always exceedingly uncomfortable with opening up and sharing any kind of personal or sensitive emotion or context. Not that he was a prude; he just always was guarded and never really shared or talked about himself or personal things.

So, first and foremost I remember my mother's awkwardness - presumably because it was something we had never spoken of ever; and also maybe because she was a little bit rushed to get it done before the school did it (and hence was not fully prepared)

I assume she had at other points in time had the same talk with my two older sisters, and for that reason I think the template she used to explain puberty and sexuality was a little skewed towards the feminine aspects and not so much towards masculine. (It would be interesting to be able to go back and ask her now as an adult how she prepared herself to tell me these 'facts of life')

Anyhow here is how the discussion progressed:

She began with telling me what happened to girls at puberty. She explained in fairly good detail how a girls body began to change and develop, and provided a lot of detail on menarche, and the menstrual cycle; and the resulting ability to conceive a child and what the results of conception were (I assume because she wanted to impress upon me the need to avoid creating life before I was responsible enough to be a good provider)

And when I say fairly good detail I mean it. I left that conversation with an exceedingly clear understanding of female organs, ovulation, fertilization, and menstruation and the fact that it was natural to bleed monthly and in fact even a heralding of good health to do so.

She also explained that girls would experience breast development, softening of features, development of mature vaginal features to accommodate sexual activity, and the corresponding sexual drive and desirability. she pointed out that I would perhaps be attracted to girls, and she was right. It all sounded so magical and mysterious and wonderful.

So all that sounded pretty fascinating to me, and was presented in the context that it was only relevant because what I needed to know was that I could not, should not, take part in enjoying with a girl, any exploration of the marvelous transformation and sexuality that female puberty represented - until such time that we were adults and married. "DO Not get a girl pregnant" I was admonished.

And then, in the remaining 3 minutes of our hour long discussion about sexuality, I was told that as a boy I would start to stink, get acne, pubic hair and that I possibly might experience wet dreams and should not be embarrassed if that happened.
AND That was IT? All I got were zits and hair and sticky sheets?

I knew at that moment that I wanted to be in the OTHER club. I wanted to experience all of the wonderful magic of nature that had just been (figuratively) spread before me.

So, to this day I have been fascinated with female sexuality. I actually mourn the fact that I will never get to experience a period, or getting pregnant, or carrying and producing life.

I know, I know, - - if I were to ask any number of cis-gender females past the age of maturity, the majority will report that her period and the associated PMS is a curse to be avoided at all costs;
In fact, some women even go to the extremes of taking hormones to literally stop the cycle.
Frankly those ideas kind of piss me off. to be blessed with the miracle of health and virtue of creation, and then reject it all out of mere convenience and comfort? An affront to nature!
But of course I don't have the proper perspective nor the right to pass judgement. Nonetheless I feel what I feel because I would jump at the chance to embrace the physiology that those others would reject.

Given any predisposition to evolve as female before, it was certainly magnified a thousandfold by this revelation my mother shared with me that fateful day.

In the years that followed and I grew older, my attitude towards girls evolved on two fronts instead of the typical one.

There was indeed heterosexual attraction that developed into physical relationships years later when my late blooming body began to produce testosterone.

But first and foremost I was attracted with envy; and with a burning desire to BE.