222 days

The title is only relevant if you account that this post has gone unpublished since June 29th 2020.

I was thinking about crushes, and love, and sexuality and self image and all the stuff that packs in alongside all of that.

"151 days" describes a brief bit of my history. It happened, it happened exactly as I wrote it (to the limits of memory at least) and before final publication I had the woman from the story read through, comment, and ultimately give her consent for it to be published. The only caveat was she asked me to scrub her name from the original draft.

the story didn't end there, obviously.

In some ways I think pouring my heart out in such a beautiful way may have changed the outcome.

Today, ours is an ongoing and very fluid relationship; where we range from purely platonic daily  conversations on one end of the spectrum; through discussing extremely intimate physical and emotional details of our other relationships; and ultimately having a wonderfully erotic 3-way scene with She, Me, and a third trans woman together in her bedroom - which involved a riding crop and instructions to follow. My love interest role-played the dominant.

My horizons have expanded as well. another weekend not so long ago ended in a menage-a-trois with two other players when my heartthrob suddenly took an insatiable interest in someone else; dropping me entirely for a weekend.

I have golden friends. I can say that. The sweethearts said to me "Oh no! Allie!  There's no melancholy allowed here - this is a fun weekend" and then they proceeded to completely take my mind off the hurt I was holding, and place my thoughts squarely in the center of our magical trio. This theme carried the day, and the evening; and when the time came we all shared one bed and had some glorious explorations with each other.

I am eternally grateful on so many levels for that day since I already had ideations I had previously shoved away - had I not been with great, loving company to give me better things to think about.

So obviously Allie is popular, and well loved, and attractive, and yeah maybe even a gift to be cherished and sought after...

So why the fuck can't I feel whole - Why can't I feel complete unless I hear from the one woman who I naively offered my heart to in February?

I KNOW I AM AMAZING AND GOOD,
WHY DO I FEEL SO BAD IF SHE GHOSTS ME FOR A DAY?

While I was working through some of the heartache during 151 days, I described why it seemed so special between me and her. I wish I had a copy of those notes.

"I felt like She is the first person in my life, who values ME just for who I am and the energy of my spirit and dreams; instead of valuing me for what I can do for her, or what security I provide, or etc.etc" (my best recollection)

That is some pretty intense feels there.

Now I am wondering why I cant feel that value myself, about myself.
I am putting in the work. I am chasing other stars now, and dancing the celestial dance with them.

But the one who metaphorically set me free, then set me adrift - is always there in my background; warming me and perhaps propelling me away with that sunlight.

maybe I need to realize that I am a star too.
Ive used Sungrazer to describe my flight. but literally, Sungrazers are cold beautiful balls of ice.
I am only one of those attributes so while I may be on the path of a sungrazer - I now know that I am more than that.

I'm beautiful; but also hot with passions afire, and perhaps I am water born but I am definitely not ice.
What do you call a shooting star that doesn't get consumed by the encounter and doesn't fall to earth?

I call her Allie