135 days of girlhood

It has been 135 days since my surgeon gave me one of the greatest gifts that Ive ever dreamt of in my life.135 days since my gender confirmation surgery and my body was modified to match my soul and my spirit.

In the beginning all I could feel was numbness, and the absence of my penis. Well to be honest I couldn't really feel the absence but I was extremely aware that it was no longer there. "Oh. My. God, this actually is real, this actually is not. a dream." was kind of how the dialog went in my mind.

It took me a few hours to get curious and look down between my legs. Maybe it was the anesthesia, but strangely it wasn't the first thing I checked. I do remember reaching under the sheets of my hospital bed and thinking "Okay this is what Barbie must feel like" because there was a large plastic-y mound where my pubis was. It was a vacuum bandage, and it confirmed that I literally no longer had a penis.

I remember thinking "I should be more emotional about this" and wondering why I wasn't. Truth is, my penis had been gone in my mind for months if not years by then. I previously had a large external clit and now, it felt like the absolute greatest tuck in the world. It was a very secure and affirming feeling.

Somewhere along in this few days, I decided my neovagina should be forevermore be named "Jill"

Over that first month, probably 45 days or so, the emotions came. Not all of them were great. Some were, though. About day 4 in the hospital, I no longer had Testosterone in my system. The tears came. Tears of joy, tears of gratitude. tears of feeling complete. I had the most joyful session with my therapist where I thanked her for supporting me on the journey. I think I almost made her cry too. Sisterhood. 

I began to wonder if I would feel sensations inside her that rivaled the sensations I had been able to achieve with my girlclit. 

I have been strangely reserved throughout much of this 4 months, and really haven't spent a lot of time masturbating. One would think I would be desperately wanting to find out, but honestly Ive been content to wait for her to reveal herself to me when she sees fit.

That's not to say I havent been sexual. I have done things with my partners.

At or around the two month mark, Jenny and I were intimate and played around where she rubbed Jill without penetrating her. Jill was starting to have some sensation and most of that was in my vulva and labia. It feels like an illusion almost, the surface skin is still a little numb but internally there's feeling and I sense it as exquisite pressure. We used my Domi wand also, and I was able to experience my first orgasm. (I probably should have journaled these milestones for other siblings to refer to, but I havent. I think it's because this has been a deeply personal journey so far). Anyhow it felt divine to rub Jill outside and also there is a pleasure spot inside, about where a cis woman's G-spot would be. we hav speculated that this is a prostrate sensation and I am not complaining!

That orgasm, by the way was perhaps better than most in the way it brought me relief, to know that Jill could function as intended. It was kind of hard to wait to have penetration, but Jen was very reassuring and so we did wait a few weeks more before having the first penetration "Just the tip" literally. I really was happy to be able to do this with Jenny, even though Jill was still really numb inside and I couldn't feel everything that was going on. It was so ... satisfying to be able to have penis in vagina sex finally, like I dreamed about.

Somewhere around this time I had an experience at the grocery store where I was turning into the juice aisle, and suddenly I was very aware of Jill's presence. Again like "the best tuck ever" but this was spontaneous, and uplifting and very validating.  Jill began to tingle a bit and felt swollen, and I swear it felt like she was lubricating. I really liked the feeling. I came home and told my partners about it.

Also, something that I worried about with Jill was her natural odor. I didn't know what to expect; even though my odor from the are pre surgery was very attractive and satisfying to me; even to the point of a turn-on. I am happy to report that most of the time, as long as Ive kept clean after each dilation, she has that same aroma. I absolutely love it; and I've been surprised more than once that I can catch her scent coming from under my dress when I move a certain way, or sit a certain way. The most recent time was while sitting at the insurance agents desk as we made policy changes. He had a large covid shield so im pretty sure he missed out, but I was pleased to notice and be reminded Im a girl!

also around that time I experience my first oral sex. Laurie went down on me and used her tongue and oh my goodness this was amazing! I think there may be more sensation than penetration because Jill's labia have been more sensitive in their recovery than inside. I really look forward to when penetration feels just as wonderful and Im pretty sure she's getting there. I came a few times during the first oral.

Closer to the 90-day mark, I was able to successfully use the green dilator all the way (step 3 size) and it became safe to actually have full penetration. Again, my love Jenny was gentle and careful and it felt so good to have her sliding  Inside  me. As she stroked her girldick and fucked me, I went to a place in my mind again where I thought "Oh wow this isn't a dream Im really having penetrative sex with my new vagina!" and I was overjoyed. Jenny was super happy too and also very pleased at how much Jill turns her on. One thing I do have to be careful about is that my pelvic muscles are extremely strong and I don't want to hurt her like a guillotine. Sometimes it's funny and makes us laugh. I love it when she teases me about it but that can be counter productive if I laugh !

I have since started using size 4 while dilating and sex has become easier. I also continue to get more sensation inside, but strangely the g-spot sensitivity is lesser now. I assume it's because the dilator isn't literally being crushed into my flesh inside as I have stretched out. I have faith that these sensations will grow stronger in the end as I get more familiar.

Ive had morning sex with Jenny twice since reaching this point and it feels amazing as an act of service. I do feel pleasure from it as well bt the biggest pleasure is seeing her eyes as she's fucking me and bottoming out from being so hard. I love knowing that she's so turned on and also as she gets close to cumming. It feels extremely satisfying and I have  a super secure feeling of being enough. And being wanted. And sexy, knowing her day will be amazing because of the intimacy we shared to start the day.

As an aside I do enjoy fingering deep inside to stimulate my g-spot. Early on I could reach this with my own finger, but lately it's been harder to do, again probably as Jill stretches. Hadassah was able to find the spot and she made me cum once or twice this way; and I remember worrying about gushing. 

which is a mixed bag of want and also fear; because when I gush Im afraid it may have a strong odor or taste, and Im not 100% sure how everyone will respond to it. Laurie totally loves it though. I am encouraged by that. I do think it feels like a lot more fluid than actually is; because as the blood rushes into my tissues from arousal it kind of feels warm and wet, even though when Ive checked I was actually not that wet.

I want to get a vibrator that stimulates the g-spot. Maybe over time I'll want other vibrators also; but for now I'll go with what's awake and feeling good which is mostly labia, and strangely the surfaces around my urethra more than around my clit. I am also assuming the clit will take longer to recover because there was so much work done specifically on her there.

Just a few nights ago I discovered a specific way to hold my fingers and rub, and Im going to explore that tonight. Ive grown more curios than horny while I wrote this; now it's time to explore that and maybe just take some "ME" time. Because I havent really done that even once yet. 

And it's been 135 days since I got my vagina. I think its time to explore a little, don't you?

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Update: 11pm

I made time for self care as I mentioned in the last paragraph above! To facilitate myself I ate 1-1/2 edibles which almost always heightens sensitivity in my intimate areas.  I am ecatatic to report that I still have the ability for multiple orgasms! I used my Domi wand, and my fingers, and honestly the act of focusing on myself, by myself felt amazing as well. I spent about 40 minutes and reached 12 orgasms before deciding I had rubbed Jill enough, lol. She is a tiny bit sore today in a chafe-y way. Also dilating she seemed a bit tight this morning. But these minor discomforts are SO worth it. I am thrilled and satisfied with my healing process.

Also as another encouraging thought, I think that masturbating could be incorporated into foreplay, and as a result, sensation during penetration will be heightened. I hope to try that as soon as possible with my themme. 💜