Clothes don't make the woman

I awoke from a tormented dream this morning;
In the dream I was taking a trip a long way from home and rushed through packing my bags. Then suddenly at the airport I realized that I hadn't packed any underwear. At first I was really upset upon realizing that I would have none of my favorite underthings and then I assuaged my distress with the realization that I could simply go shopping once I was at the destination and who doesn't love to go shopping, right?

I still felt the aftereffects upon waking though, sort of a sense of uneasiness as is often the case after a nightmare.
On reflection I don't think this dream was actually about clothing at all:

I've had this question rattling around in my head lately - "What's the difference between simply being a crossdresser and being transgender?" I think I have been revisiting this question in my head because I intend to go for HRT sometime soon and I expect it will require some sort of clinical affirmation to be approved; and I am fearful that whomever I see might decide I am not really transgender.

And another reason the question is poignant, is because for most of the beginning of this journey I underdressed most of the time. I was too fearful to wear anything outwardly that might disclose my true feelings of self to the rest of the world.

I was obsessed with making sure bras wouldn't show through shirts, and panties wouldn't ride up above my waistband and out me to someone who mattered to my success and/or survival. At the same time because of my internalized identity conflict I simultaneously also wanted those things to happen. My subconscious wanted the world to know who I was even though my conscious was terrified of the possible consequences of transphobia.

Later as I became less able to suppress my true self, I began purchasing women's tops and bottoms that would not be so obvious that I would be clocked as feminine by anyone except those with an informed fashion sense. I rationalized this daring activity with the belief that among the cis-male dominated world (of which I feared the greatest repercussions) there exists a vacuum of perception when it comes to fashion details.

This conflict is also at the root of my self-defined title of Gender Tourist. Because the farther I would venture from home and any people whose condemnation might result in any negative personal outcomes; the more freedom I felt to self-explore and present authentically as Allie.

Five years ago, my safe radius for this "tourism" would have been greater than 100 miles from home for public adventures; then when I began attending groups and associating with like minded and encouraging friends, it shrank to around 60 miles as I gained self acceptance and stopped caring what people I don't know might think.
It further shrank to 30 miles as I started to believe that my needs were more important than anyone's judgemental stares and I became proud of Allie and who I am; and its been even less during the past month I have been off work; indeed I have been living as she - pretty much every day and in every way while I have been facilitating my wife's recovery. By necessity, I have even boldly ventured to the local supermarket a few times in women's casual clothes and even sporting nail polish.

Today I plan to go to the closest pride event I have ever attended, right here in my hometown, at the town center square. I will be presenting as Allie, and I have done my nails in little trans flag stripes to represent. I'm not bold enough to wear a dress yet so I will be dressed identifiably feminine, but not necessarily in-your-face so.
It is somewhat probable that I will see or be seen by someone from work who will clock me; and if it happens I have no idea if that information will become gossip among coworkers or not - or whether it will make its way back to my leadership.

I think I am rolling the dice today in a way, willing to accept what fate will bring because I know I need to move on with this journey and accept the consequences if it turns out to be incompatible with my current situation.

And hence the dream; my subconscious wrestled last night with the fear associated to the unknown, the fear of being judged unworthy; the fear of taking this step out locally and possibly changing my life significantly.

I think the dream is telling me that I shouldn't forget the core of who I am, metaphorically speaking; the beautiful feminine lace and color and delicacy that is in my heart and soul:

I should not deny Allie the opportunity to thrive.